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5 Benefits of Having Your Children Do Chores + How to Get Started

My face scrunches up just thinking about chores.  I don’t like scrubbing toilets or showers, I groan every time I have to wipe down my kitchen counters (which is, like, 5 times a day), and I don’t even want to think about cleaning the oven… which is why it hasn’t been done in almost a year (oops).

I had to complete chores as a child.  I’m not talking about a few chores a week.  Basically, my sister and I cleaned our entire 3 bedroom/2 bathroom house between the two of us each weekend.  In my opinion, this may have been a bit over the top (sorry, Dad).  It took all of Saturday morning for us to do those chores and we weren’t allowed to do anything fun until they were done.  We still complain about it as adults!  While I think cleaning half of the house was a little extreme, I am a proponent of having children do chores on a regular basis.

There are multiple benefits of having your children complete chores:

  1. Doing chores can build kids’ confidence and self-esteem (especially if they are praised for quality in completing their chores)!
  2. It can take a load off mom and/or dad, which might mean more time to spend together as a family doing fun things.  If you divide the chores between more people, they (theoretically) get done faster.
  3. Completing chores teaches responsibility… that can carry over into adulthood.
  4. Doing chores can improve motor skills (especially for young kiddos).  Think of all the different movements your little one can master while picking up small objects or helping you dust furniture.
  5. Doing chores can help your child feel like part of a family (or team), and that they’re contributing to how the family/team functions.

To get started, you’ll need to think about a few things: how many chores you want your child to complete per day, what chores you’d like them to do, and if there will be any kind of reward/allowance for completing chores.

Regarding the number of chores you want your child to do, a good place to start might be a daily chore and 2-3 more on weekend days.  You can always start small and build your way up to more.

To help decide which chores your kiddo will be responsible for, here are a few links to give you some ideas:

Keep in mind that, depending on age, they may need some help.  You can start having children as young as 2 or 3 complete some chores – they’re definitely going to need help, but it can be fun to do those chores together!

Lastly, it’s your personal choice on whether you want to offer a reward/allowance.  There are benefits of both giving a reward and not giving one.  If you do decide to offer a reward/allowance for chore completion, keep in mind that 1) it doesn’t have to be a big reward and 2) remember to use contingency – your kiddo only gets the reward/allowance after they’ve met expectations for when and how well chores are completed.

Posted on by khumbard87

Problem Solving Flower Worksheet

Due to the way kids’ brains develop, they’re not always great at problem-solving.  It can be difficult for them to think about all the choices they have in a situation, think about the outcomes of those situations, then make a decision based on that information.  BUT with some help from an adult, they’re usually capable of doing so… they just need some help going through the steps.  Also, a visual representation usually helps make the process more entertaining for the child.  Below, you’ll find a problem-solving worksheet that can be used to help guide a child through the problem-solving process (printable copy here).

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Start by having your child write (or write for them) the “problem” in the center of the flower.  Then, have them come up with 5 different choices they could make to try to solve their problem.  If it’s a not-so-great choice (or a TERRIBLE) one, go ahead and let them write it down.  After each choice they come up with, have them identify what the outcome might be and talk about it.  So, if their “problem” is that their brother is calling them names and the “choice” is to kick him, talk about how his/her brother might get hurt, and that your kiddo will get in trouble for kicking his/her brother.

If you need more than 5 spaces, fill up the back.  Once you and your kiddo have all the choices you can think of, sum up each choice and the outcomes, then help your kiddo pick the best option and follow through on it.

Note: this worksheet can also be used if your kiddo has ALREADY acted (and made a not-so-great choice).  Just have them write out all the choices and outcomes, pick which one would have been a better choice, then practice it.  We can’t go back in time and change what they did, but going through this will make it more likely that they’ll make a better choice if/when the same situation (or a similar one) comes up in the future.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

7 Rules for Co-Parenting

Divorce can be (and usually is) such a difficult process for adults, but I have seen so many children suffer as well.  I’m not saying it’s easy, but if parents can put aside their own hurt, there are some things they can do to make the process a bit easier for their children.  Here are 7 tips (RULES) for co-parenting:

  1. Keep your child’s best interest in mind at all times.  Imagine you’re in your child’s shoes and think about how your actions are going to impact them.  Sometimes you won’t have a choice, but sometimes you will.  When you do, choose what will be the least hurtful to your children.
  2. Don’t argue in front of your child.  I’ve had a lot of children in my office worried and upset because their parents fight.  Sometimes they even think that it’s their fault.  Please do your best not to argue in front of them.  If an argument starts, cut it off and continue the conversation when your child isn’t around.
  3. Do not make your child a “middle man” for scheduling/arranging.  All arrangements for plans and visits should be made between the two adults.  Do not put that pressure on your child(ren).
  4. Don’t force your child to choose one parent over the other.  Don’t ask questions like, “wouldn’t you rather be with me this weekend?” or “don’t you wish you could stay with me longer?”  It’s not fair to your child and it will only lead to hurt feelings.
  5. Do not talk negatively about your co-parent in front of your child.  I know this one will be hard, but do your best.  Even if you no longer love the other parent, your child (probably) still does, so don’t bash them when your child is around.  Save that for your friends (or therapist!).
  6. Do not make your child be a “spy” to get information about your co-parent.  Don’t interrogate your child about their other parent’s new significant (or anything else).  This is not fair to your child.
  7. Make a plan and try to be consistent.  Children typically do best when they’ve got a consistent routine.  It’s inevitable that something will come up, but try your best to be consistent as far as visits.  This can dramatically help with your child’s ability to adjust to going back and forth between two parents/homes.

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A printable version of this document can be found Coparenting Rules.

 

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Should You Let Your Child “Earn Back” a Privilege?

I recently was asked if it’s “Ok” to let a child earn back electronic time that was taken away as a negative consequence due to behavior.  My opinion on the subject is that it’s appropriate, but only sometimes (like, once in a blue moon!).  Here’s my stipulations:

  • Don’t get into a habit of letting them “earn back” a privilege.

You took that privilege away for a reason!  Regularly letting a child earn back a privilege will make that consequence seem less severe for them.  Why be upset about losing a privilege if you know you’re probably going to earn it back?  This then decreases motivation to choose positive and pro-social behaviors.  It all comes down to follow through.  Let’s look at an example for adults: If my boss tells me that I have to stay late every time I hand in a report late, but almost every time he lets me leave early anyways…?  Guess what, I’m not going to be all that motivated to hand in my report on time… because I’ve learned that there’s no follow through on the consequence.

  • Don’t undo the entire consequence.

When using negative consequences, the best (fastest) way to decrease negative behavior is to use a negative consequence every single time it happens.  So if a parent does decide to let a child “earn back” something, don’t let them earn ALL of it back.  For example, if your child lost 15 minutes of electronic time, give them maybe 10 or 5 back.  Or it they lost ALL electronic privileges (computer, phone, Xbox, etc.), pick ONE device that they can use.

  • IF you are going to let them earn back a privilege, make sure they’ve gone above and beyond to earn it.

 Your child should do something EXTRA special and out of the ordinary in order to earn that privilege back.  Maybe your kiddo didn’t do their chores and lost TV time for the day, but later did their normal chores AND extra chores to.  Maybe your child hit their sibling and lost phone and computer privileges, but apologized (without being prompted) to their sibling and helped them with a task.

One last hint: if your child comes to expect to earn their privileges back (i.e., by asking “so do I get my time back since I apologized to my sister?”), then you’re likely letting them earn back privileges too often.  Also… the answer to that question should be “no.”  Don’t give in if your kiddo asks for their negative consequence to be undone!

 

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Favorites Ice Breaker Worksheet

When I start seeing a new kiddo for therapy, I like to give them an easy assignment to do before their second session.  I usually have kiddos with emotional concerns do a worksheet pertaining to feelings (see Inside Out Emotions Ice Breaker), but for kiddos with more behavioral concerns I usually start with a “favorites” worksheet.

Having kids write down their favorites (and least favorites) is a great “ice breaker” tool for me to get to know them and start building rapport in that second session.  As a bonus, it’s also a great tool for me to use to recommend rewards (from the kiddo’s list of favorites) and negative consequences (from their list of least favorites) to the child’s parents for behavior contracts.

I created a super simple worksheet that I hand out to kiddos when they’re getting ready to leave that first session.  It looks like this:

Favorites screenshot

 

You can find a printable version here.

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Inside Out Emotions Ice Breaker

When I see a kiddo for their first therapy session, I usually give them an easy, getting-to-know-you assignment to complete before their second session.  For kiddos who are dealing more with emotional issues than behavioral, I like to have them make a list of 5 things that make them feel happy, 5 things that make them feel sad, 5 things that make them feel worried, and 5 things that make them feel mad.

This list is a great way to “break the ice” and going over it is beneficial for building rapport.  It also helps give me an idea of their knowledge and awareness of emotions.  Additionally, it’s easy to fit in questions about how they cope with the situations, which also gives me an idea of how they are at coping with emotions.

To make the assignment more fun, I created an easy worksheet with the Inside Out characters for kids to take and fill out.  Some kids are turned off when they hear the words “assignment” or “homework,” but show them a piece of paper with an Inside Out character on it, and it doesn’t seem so bad. 🙂

Here’s what the worksheet looks like:Screen Shot 2018-01-01 at 7.26.19 PM

Printable version here.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

Tips for Making Negative Consequences More Effective

Just like praise (see my blog post Tips for Making Praise More Effective), there are some things to consider when deciding on a consequence.  Consequences can be both positive (rewards) and negative (read more on that here).  Some of the tips below are relevant for both positive and negative consequences, but this blog post will focus on tips for making negative consequences more effective.  Components to consider include:

Immediacy: the consequence will be more effective if it immediately follows the behavior.

Limit verbals: this is where a lot of parents go wrong.  It can be easy to fall into the habit of “lecturing” and re-hashing the behavior with your kiddo.  However, this can actually be reinforcing, as you’re giving the child lots of attention and one-on-one time during those fun talks.  Therefore, it is typically recommended that you limit verbal interaction – label the behavior and what you’d like your child to do differently, then let the consequence do the “talking.”

Neutral facial expression/voice: I’ve mentioned before that some children are reinforced by parental reactions… there are some kiddos who think it is hilarious when they can get other people worked up.  Therefore, try to use a neutral facial expression and neutral voice tone when giving a consequence.

Consistency: this one is SO important.  If you decide that a behavior is undesirable, then you have to do something about it every time your child chooses to act that way.  If they think they can get away with it sometimes, then they’re going to keep doing it.  This is why adults speed while driving.

Size: make sure that the size of the consequence fits what the negative behavior is.  Losing electronic privileges for a week might not be appropriate for forgetting one daily chore, but might be appropriate if your kiddo gets in a fight at school.

Follow through: Once you hand out a consequence, you must be able to follow through with it.  If you tell your child that they’ve lost television time, then let them watch television with you that night, that consequence means nothing.  Therefore, before you decide on a consequence, think about if it’s realistic and something you’re able to follow through on.

 

I have created the following handout for caregivers.  It might be beneficial to print it out and pin it up somewhere as a reminder.  A printable file can be found here.

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Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 4 Comments

Crash Course on the Four Functions of Behavior

There is a purpose behind all behavior; sometimes the purpose is fairly obvious and other times it can be hard to tell why someone is behaving a certain way.  There are 4 general functions of behavior and they are Tangibles, Escape/Avoidance, Attention, and Sensory.  I have created a (very colorful!) informational handout that summarizes the four functions of behavior.  This can be very helpful for therapists, teachers, and parents.

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You can find the file to print here.

Tangibles is when someone exhibits behavior in order to get something. Escape is when someone exhibits behavior in order to get OUT of something. Attention is when someone exhibits behavior to get attention (NOTE: to many kids, negative attention is better than no attention, so they may act up to get the attention from getting into trouble). Lastly, Sensory is when someone exhibits a behavior because it helps them cope with an uncomfortable feeling.

Sometimes it’s easy to determine the function of behavior. Sometimes it’s not. For tips on how to identify the function of behavior, read the blog post Tips for Identifying what “Function” is Fueling Your Child’s Behavior. Remember that this can be tricky stuff, and seek the help of a professional if you need it!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 6 Comments

Tips for Making Praise Effective

There are some things you can keep in mind to make the most out of when you praise your children.  Praise is great and even a simple “good job” goes a long way, but read on to learn about some useful tips to make praise as effective as possible.

  • Immediacy – praise your child for their behavior as soon as you can!  If you wait until later in the day to praise them for something they did that morning, praise won’t be as effective.  One reason is your child, depending on age, may not even remember what they did that morning!
  • Consistency – to see the quickest and biggest changes, you must try to be consistent in praising your child.  If you’re working on improving your child’s listening, then praising them each time they listen the first time they’re told to do something will be more effective than just praising every once in a while.
  • Specific – label the behavior your kiddo did that made you want to praise them.  Instead of “good job,” say, “great job listening when I told you to _____.”
  • Size – make your praise BIG if your child did well on something they really struggle with.  Your praise probably won’t be so big on a behavior that your child normally does well at.
  • Contrast – make sure your child knows you’re pleased/proud/happy by using a positive voice tone and happy facial expressions.
  • Rationales – using rationales can be effective with older children.  Let them know why it’s so important or meaningful that they did whatever you’re praising them for.  For example, “thank you for listening to me the first time; when you listen right away you can get back to playing faster!”
  • Frequency – you want to be as frequent as possible with your praise, especially if you have a kiddo who is struggling in multiple areas.  The *ideal* ratio is 4:1 – four praise statements for every correction.  However, that can feel like an impossible goal sometimes, so just do the best you can.

I have created a fun handout that can be printed and put up somewhere to help parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. remember the components of praise.  You can find the printable version here.

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Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

How to Make and Use a Chore Jar and Reward Jar

Sometimes it can be difficult to think of rewards and consequences when it’s time to use them. And sometimes using the same consequence or same reward can get really old… for you and your child.

Chore/Reward Jars fix this by letting you think of chores and rewards in advance, then letting/making your child pick one when it’s time. BONUS: they are super easy to make! Just follow these steps:

  1. Get two mason jars and a handful of popsicle sticks
  2. Use a permanent marker to write down your chores and rewards – one per popsicle stick.
  3. Place the chore sticks in one jar and the reward sticks in another.
  4. Wait until your kiddo earns a reward or consequence.
  5. When the time comes, tell your child to either pull out a chore stick (for negative behavior) or reward stick (for positive behavior).
  6. Follow through (or have your child follow through) with whatever is on the stick.

You can make these super fancy if you want… I’ve seen color-coded ones that are different levels of chores/rewards. And I’ve seen some decorated jars from some really creative parents. You can also use something other than jars and popsicle sticks. For example, you could use disposable cups and slips of paper. Or a bowl and pieces of paper.

A few things to keep in mind:

  • Be realistic with the chores – a chore that you have to help your child with might actually be reinforcing because your child gets one-on-one time with you. So include only chores your child can do on their own (or that they can attempt and you can “fix” it afterwards).
  • Ask your kid for input on (reasonable) rewards – you want to make sure they’re excited about picking something from the reward jar. They can even help you “make” the jars!
  • Explain the chore/reward jars to your kiddo so they aren’t confused the first time you use them.
  • Make sure the rewards are something you can follow through on, even if you’re in a hurry or if money is tight that week. The last thing you want is for your child to be excited about a reward then tell him/her that they have to pick a different one.
  • Add new chores/rewards to the jar occasionally so that there’s some variety.