Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Resisting Peer Pressure

Next up in this Social Skills Series is Resisting Peer Pressure. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

Resisting Peer Pressure is a skill that typically doesn’t get practiced until you really need it. What I mean is, most parents don’t usually preventatively teach this social skill – it usually comes about after a child has been pressured to do something they shouldn’t, and caved in to that pressure. While this is a good skill to teach after an incident like that, I think it’s also important to practice with young kids before you know of any peer pressure issues.

(excuse me as I go down a rabbit hold here…) As I type this, I’m thinking about bullying, which is so rampant in schools these days (I know because I hear about it from my middle school clients weekly). I think there are some kids who engage in bullying behavior because they feel pressured to do so by their peers (or a “lead bully”). Now I wonder if maybe some preventative practice with resisting peer pressure practice may have decreased the likelihood of this. Bullying is such a complex issue that it’s hard to say.

So why is resisting peer pressure important? The most motivating rationale for children is that they are less likely to “get in trouble” for being able to resist peer pressure that would cause them to make a negative choice. At my daughter’s school, you get corrected if you go down the slide head first. My daughter will get in trouble for going down head first whether it was her idea or if someone else pressured her to do it. If she can resist that pressure and follow the rules, she will not get in trouble.

Another rationale is that resisting peer pressure can keep kids safe and healthy in some instances. For older kiddos, resisting peer pressure when a friend is trying to convince you to sneak out of your house in the middle of the night will help you avoid any number of disasters that might cause you harm, or may even be fatal. Or resisting peer pressure to try unknown prescription pills that are not yours at a party may prevent you from getting severely sick or even overdosing.

Will teaching and practicing resisting peer pressure with your child guarantee that they will do so in real life? Absolutely not. I wish it would, but there are no guarantees. However, it is more likely that your child will resist peer pressure if you talk about it, give rationales, and practice.

What are the steps to resisting peer pressure? When teaching any social skill to children, it can be important to practice the steps to successfully completing the skill. These can be individualized for your child/family, but here is a simple set of steps for resisting peer pressure:

  1. Look at the person.
  2. Say clearly and calmly that you do not want to do it.
  3. Suggest an alternative.
  4. If the person tries to convince you, keep saying “No.”

Like many of the social skills I’ve covered, role play is one of best ways to practice resisting peer pressure. There are all sorts of scenarios you can pretend with. Here are some examples for several different ages:

  • Resisting peer pressure to go down the slide the wrong way.
  • Resisting peer pressure to try smoking/vaping.
  • Resisting peer pressure to skip school.
  • Resisting peer pressure to sneak out of bounds on the school playground.
  • Resisting peer pressure to be sexually active.
  • Resisting peer pressure to call someone names.
  • Resisting peer pressure to steal something.
  • Resisting peer pressure to do anything without asking permission first.

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Give constructive, positive feedback to help your child get the steps to resisting peer pressure down.
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Julia Cook also has a really great and entertaining book to help kids learn about resisting peer pressure. When I did psychotherapy groups with elementary kids, this book was always a favorite! It’s called Peer Pressure Gauge and you can read about it here: https://www.juliacookonline.com/2018/04/02/peer-pressure-gauge/ (I am not an affiliate and receive no incentives for this).

Good luck teacher and practicing peer pressure! I’d love to hear how this went with the child(ren) in your life, if you’d be so kind as to leave me a comment.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Asking Permission

Next up in this Social Skills Series is Asking Permission. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

As I sit here trying to think of a great opener for this skill, I’m really just left thinking that asking permission is not really a very exciting skill. Important, sure! Just not very exciting to talk about. And not really a social skill that most people focus on. I think Asking Permission is one of those skills that you only focus on if it’s a problem, as opposed to social skills that you proactively teach to increase your child’s success in social settings.

So why is asking permission important? The most motivating rationale for children is that they are less likely to “get in trouble” for asking permission. If my daughter turns the television on without asking, she loses all electronic time for the day. Another rationale is that it’s respectful and makes it more likely you’ll have good relationships with others. Your child may not be able to hold onto friendships if they take others’ things without asking.

One thing to note about asking permission is that you likely don’t want your child to think they have to ask permission for every single thing. Like going to the bathroom at home, or playing with their own toys, or getting a glass of water. You will have to teach your kiddo when they need to ask permission. Here are some examples of times your children may need to ask for permission:

  • Before taking something from someone’s hands
  • Before borrowing an item from someone
  • Before using particular items – television, tablet, etc.
  • Before getting a snack
  • Before getting out of your seat to use the bathroom at school
  • Before going into a sibling’s room
  • Before going outside to play

When teaching any social skill to children, it can be important to practice the steps to successfully completing the skill. These can be individualized for your child/family, but here is a simple set of steps for asking permission:

  1. Look the caregiver in the eye
  2. Ask permission by saying “Can I please…”
  3. Say “okay”
  4. If told “yes,” do it. If told “no,” don’t do it.

To practice asking permission, you can use both games and role-play:

  • Mother May I is a fun way to ask for permission. Have someone be the “mother” and the other person stand across the room and ask, “mother, may I take ___ steps.” The “mother” then gets to say “yes” or “no.” This is especially fun for kids if you let them be the “mother” in the game a few times.
  • With any board game or card gamee, you can have children ask permission before taking their turn. I’ve done this with Candyland, Chutes and Ladder, and Don’t Break the Ice, but any game where you take turns will work. “Can I please take my turn now?” Because it wouldn’t be very nice to tell them “no” they can’t have their turn, then for me to take a second turn in a row, when I tell a child “no,” I have them say “okay,” then prompt them to ask again. OR, you can also practice emotion regulation with this by having them say “okay” then pick a coping skill to use before you prompt them to ask again.
  • Practice while coloring – you can be the keeper of the crayons/markers and your child can practice asking permission by asking “can I please have the red crayon,” then saying “okay.”
  • Practice with Legos – be the keeper of the legos and have kids ask permission to use specific pieces when they need it (“can I please have the yellow Lego?”)
  • You can role-play by having your child sit in a chair and ask permission to get up to get a kleenex, use the bathroom, or get a drink (“can I please get up and get a drink?”)
  • You can also role-play by playing with toys and having your child ask permission to play with a toy your using (“can I please play with that?”)

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

There are lots of ways to practice this – I’d love to hear the fun ways YOU come up with to practice! Please share in the comments!

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Respecting Personal Space

The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Respecting Personal Space. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

Let’s admit it… most kids are not great with respecting others’ personal space. My daughter sometimes tries to kiss her friends on the lips when saying “goodbye”! I have also had kids that I hardly know, come up to me at the park and sit on my lap or hold my hand. And have you seen how closely some kids stand in line next to other kids? I’ve seen kids with noses right up against the backs of the person in front of them.

Most kiddos don’t seem to mind having other kids up right next to them, but eventually they will need to learn how to give appropriate body space. Can you imagine if I stood an inch behind the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line? Or if an adult walks up to a stranger adult at the park and tried to hold their hand? Honestly, thinking about it makes me laugh and I think someone out there should do some sort of social experiment… or likely someone already has (if you know about one, link it in the comments for me for entertainment purposes!).

So why is it important to respect others’ personal space? For one… germs. It’s easier to spread germs to others when you’re standing or sitting right up next to them. The kids I know don’t really care about germs, so another rationale is that it will be easier to make and keep friends if you can respect others’ space. Some kids really don’t like others being close to them, so will be “turned off” by someone who invades their space. Others will be more comfortable around you if you respect their personal space.

A great way to introduce social skills to kiddos is with a book. Julia Cook has an amazing book called Personal Space Camp (click here for more information) that introducing this social skill. It’s a super fun, entertaining book for kids.

You can decide how much “space” your child should give others. I’ve heard some parents explain that kids should pretend they have a hula hoop around them, and make sure they stay far enough away that others’ aren’t inside that hula hoop space. I usually just say to keep an arms length away from others. For a fun way to illustrate this, you can have your kiddo put their arms out, then spin around slowly in a circle.

To practice personal space, you can either do some role-play, or use inanimate objects to practice. You can pick different social situations (waiting in line at the slide, walking through hallways, sitting in a circle, dance party, etc.) and practice giving appropriate personal space for those situations – either with yourself or with stuffed animals/dolls/action figures. You can practice asking for “more body space please” when the person (or stuffed animals) you are practicing with stands too closely to you.

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Drop a comment with any other fun ideas for practicing this important social skill!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.