Posted on by khumbard87

Bribe vs. Reward: What’s the Difference and What’s Better in the Long-Run for You and Your Kids

So many times I hear parents talk about giving their kids a “reward,” when really what they’re doing is bribing.  So what’s the difference?  A reward is contingent on a specific behavior having already happened – the behavior happens before they get the reward.  A bribe is given either before the child has a chance to earn it, or is given to stop a behavior (while it’s happening).  To break it down into simpler terms, a reward is given after a child does something good.  A bribe is given before a child does something good, or used in-the-moment to stop them from doing something bad.

Some examples of rewards:

  • A child gets all A’s in their school subjects and is rewarded with a pizza party at the end of the school year.
  • A child gets to pick a piece of candy in the checkout line at the grocery store because they stayed next to mom and stayed quiet throughout the store.

 

And some examples of bribes:

  • “If I give you a cookie, will you be good at the store?”
  • “If you stop screaming right now, I’ll let you pick out a candy bar.”

 

So what works best for improving behavior?  A bribe rarely works consistently.  In the first example, where the child is given cookie as a bribe for behaving at the store, whether or not the kid behaves doesn’t affect his chance of getting the cookie… because he already got it.  So it’s not likely that he/she will be motivated to behave at the store.

A bribe given to stop in-the-moment bad behavior can sometimes be effective short-term.  Many children will stop what they’re doing if promised a candy bar or some other item.  However, if you think about it, the child is indirectly being rewarded for the bad behavior… that was what prompted the use of the promised item.  Also, some kids (because they’re smart little cookies!) will pick up on this and will then intentionally engage in the negative behavior, so that they will be offered an item to stop.

A reward is your best option, both for short-term and long-term improvements in behavior.  It motivates your child to behave how you want them to because they have to do so before they get a reward.  One of the arguments I hear from parents about using rewards is that they don’t want to have to give their child a reward for something forever.  BUT with use of proper fading (decreasing how often a reward is given), you won’t have to reward them forever.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

How to Make and Use a Chore Jar and Reward Jar

Sometimes it can be difficult to think of rewards and consequences when it’s time to use them. And sometimes using the same consequence or same reward can get really old… for you and your child.

Chore/Reward Jars fix this by letting you think of chores and rewards in advance, then letting/making your child pick one when it’s time. BONUS: they are super easy to make! Just follow these steps:

  1. Get two mason jars and a handful of popsicle sticks
  2. Use a permanent marker to write down your chores and rewards – one per popsicle stick.
  3. Place the chore sticks in one jar and the reward sticks in another.
  4. Wait until your kiddo earns a reward or consequence.
  5. When the time comes, tell your child to either pull out a chore stick (for negative behavior) or reward stick (for positive behavior).
  6. Follow through (or have your child follow through) with whatever is on the stick.

You can make these super fancy if you want… I’ve seen color-coded ones that are different levels of chores/rewards. And I’ve seen some decorated jars from some really creative parents. You can also use something other than jars and popsicle sticks. For example, you could use disposable cups and slips of paper. Or a bowl and pieces of paper.

A few things to keep in mind:

  • Be realistic with the chores – a chore that you have to help your child with might actually be reinforcing because your child gets one-on-one time with you. So include only chores your child can do on their own (or that they can attempt and you can “fix” it afterwards).
  • Ask your kid for input on (reasonable) rewards – you want to make sure they’re excited about picking something from the reward jar. They can even help you “make” the jars!
  • Explain the chore/reward jars to your kiddo so they aren’t confused the first time you use them.
  • Make sure the rewards are something you can follow through on, even if you’re in a hurry or if money is tight that week. The last thing you want is for your child to be excited about a reward then tell him/her that they have to pick a different one.
  • Add new chores/rewards to the jar occasionally so that there’s some variety.
Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Using Rewards and Consequences at Home to Reinforce School Behavior

It’s very, very common for me to hear from parents that their child is struggling with behavior at school, but is a great kid at home.  I’ve had a lot of frustrated parents in my office because they just don’t know what to do.  Unfortunately, there can be a lot of barriers in the school system, including teachers with too many kids in their classroom.  I’ve also heard some kids name “punishments” at school that are actually positively reinforcing their negative behavior… this isn’t necessarily because the school is clueless; sometimes what is “punishing” for one kiddo can be reinforcing for another.

So what can you, as a parent, do?  One thing you can do is use a reward or consequence at home for your child’s behavior at school.  This would require you to work with your kiddo’s teacher to somehow (phone call, email, note sent home, etc) get a message EACH DAY from the teacher about how the child’s day went.  TIP… you’re going to want to pick one or two “problem behaviors” to get feedback on – this could be aggression, compliance with schoolwork, or anything else your kiddo might be struggling with – make sure your child’s teacher knows what specifically to report on.  I’ve had a mom send a “smiley chart” to school, with the teacher’s approval, to be completed each day.  I’ve also had moms who just get a short email update from the teacher.

From there, you get to decide whether you want your child to earn something extra if they behaved well, or if they lose a privilege or earn some other kind of consequence if they displayed any negative behaviors.  A few examples:

  • Reward: Child can earn an extra 30 minutes of electronics time if the teacher says they did well that day.
  • Reward: Child can earn a special after-school snack if the teacher says they did well that day.
  • Reward: Child can stay up 10 minutes late if the teacher says they did well that day.
  • Consequence: Child has to complete an extra chore if the teacher reports negative behavior.
  • Consequence: Child loses television time if the teacher reports negative behavior.
  • Consequence: Child has to complete an extra math/reading/writing worksheet if the teacher reports negative behavior.

Pick something that you know will motivate your child, give them a heads up about the change, then be as consistent with it as possible!  Eventually, once your child is successful, you will want to fade the consequence or reward.  So you might start offering a reward every other day instead (for good behavior on both days), then eventually just once per week (for good behavior 5 out of 5 days per week).

*Note: I’m not recommending that all parents use a reward/consequence system for school behavior… this is more for the kiddos who are struggling with something specific at school*