Posted on by khumbard87

What I’ve Been Reading: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins

I finally read The Let Them Theory, by Mel Robbins. It had been on my TBR (To Be Read) shelf for a while, so I was excited to get a copy and dive in.

When I first starting reading, I shared with a colleague that I had started it, and she rolled her eyes and said, “she’s just telling everyone what CBT therapists have been trying to say for years.” I suppose I can somewhat see her point, but I think The Let Them Theory has resonated with a lot of people, some who haven’t been to therapy (CBT specifically) or some who tried therapy, but it just didn’t click for them.

The Let Them Theory is all about how we respond to things that trigger us, especially the actions of other peoples. It’s almost a way to shrug it off; you just say “let them” and go on with your day. This is CBT thought challenging in a nutshell. Something triggers a thought, which then triggers a behavior, which then triggers an emotion. The Let Them Theory is catching that thought (often unpleasant and unhelpful), and using “Let Them” as a replacement thought and a reminder that you can’t control other people, but you can choose not to let it bother you. It’s been helpful for a lot of people, and I’ll admit that I’ve used “let them” on some situations I’ve encountered since reading the book!

I also appreciate that Mel Robbins doesn’t just stop at “Let Them,” but goes on to say “Let Me.” It’s the other part of the equation we can control, right? I can control my reaction to other people, and but I can also control my own actions. It’s moving on from “let them” and using what happened to inspire your own behavior. Let them be successful, and let me take the steps I need to take to also be successful.

I will say that I think people often forget about the “let me” part. Mel Robbins emphasizes it in the book, so it’s not for lack of effort on the authors part! I’ve heard many clients use “let them” in a way that almost sounds like code for “eff them,” and that’s not what it’s about. That’s anger. The impression I got, is “let them” comes from a place of indifference or “good for them, now watch me.”

Another portion of the book I found especially helpful was Chapter 13, titled How to Create the Best Friendships of Your Life. I think just about everyone has felt, at some point in their life, a desire for deeper friendships. Or just a friend in general. It’s very common for a client to tell me that they feel alone and isolated. Maybe they began working remotely and don’t see coworkers in person any more. Maybe they just moved and haven’t made any friends. Maybe they got divorced and lost all their friends in the process.

In The Let Them Theory, Mel normalizes difficulty in meeting people and building friendships, and I truly appreciated that. She also normalizes the amount of effort and time it can take to make friends and build meaningful relationships. It’s hard! In this book, she offers some great tips for putting yourself out there, but maintains that it takes consistent effort.

I’d recommend giving it a read! I think there are some helpful tidbits for just about anyone in this book, and I appreciate Mel Robbin’s style and using personal examples. Maybe this is CBT in a book, but she’s done a fantastic job of writing a book that resonates with a multitude of people!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

In Times of High Anxiety: Controlling What You Can Control

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” — Maya Angelou

Everywhere you turn, there seems to be possible sources of anxiety. Recent clients have brought up anxiety related to politics, weather events, family conflict, job-related stressors, acts of public violence, and so on. If you are looking for a reason to be anxious, you don’t need to look far.

It can be incredibly easy to get sucked into an anxiety spiral when our focus is on all the things we worry about. And once we’re in that spiral, it can be incredibly difficult to get out of it. I have added and will continue adding ideas for avoiding the anxiety spiral, and getting out of it (see here). One idea is to focus on what you CAN control.

First, let’s look at just a small sample of things that are outside of our control:

I cannot who is president. I cannot control what difficult task my manager assigns to me. I cannot control the never-ending heat or tornados. I cannot control my spouse’s words when we are arguing. I cannot control if my neighbor gives me a dirty look when she sees me outside.

I could go on and on and on, but you get the idea: there is SO much in our lives that we are unable to control, no matter how hard we might try.

When we focus on those things, it’s easy to feel anxious, stressed, worried, frustrated, and hopeless. However, if we can switch our focus to what we CAN control, it’s likely that we’ll begin to feel less dysregulated, more positive, and more like ourselves.

So what CAN we control? I’ll be honest, when you make a list of what you CAN control and a list of what you CANNOT control, sometimes the latter feels very overwhelming. BUT there ARE things we can control.

I can control who I spend time with.

I can control how I speak to others and about others.

I can control how I speak to myself and about myself.

I can control what I spend my time doing.

I can control my thoughts (though this may be difficult sometimes).

I can control the amount of water I drink.

I can control what foods I choose to eat to fuel my body.

I can control the amount of sleep I get.

I can control the amount of time I look at a screen.

I can control the amount of exposure I get to the news.

I can control what coping skills I use.

I can control the amount of time I spend on social media.

I can control who I follow on social media.

I can control how much physical activity I get each day.

I can control what boundaries I set with other people.

Back in 2020, I saw the below image making the rounds on social media (source is at the bottom of the image). What a time to be alive, right? COVID hit, and so many things that were outside of our control changed.

Those things outside of our control could feel SO big, SO heavy, SO overwhelming. Many people, though, found comfort in focusing on what they COULD control. It’s a tactic that can work well in lots of different situation. And see at the top where it says “So, I can LET GO of these things” in parentheses? First of all, easier said than done, right? BUT TRUE.

I believe self-talk is one of the greatest tools we have to tackle negative thinking and anxiety. It can be monumentally helpful to have a script to help you focus on what you can control. Maybe it will sound like this:

“Self, you cannot control ______. That’s a fact. So Iet’s choose to focus on _____ instead, because that is something you can control.”

Make it your own, and use it as a script to pull your focus back to what is within your control. If you’re struggling, reaching out to a family member or a friend who may help you identify what is within your control can help. Of course, a mental health provider can also help with this strategy.

Drop a comment with your script, or something within your control that you’re choosing to focus on!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.