Posted on by khumbard87

In Times of High Anxiety: Controlling What You Can Control

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.” — Maya Angelou

Everywhere you turn, there seems to be possible sources of anxiety. Recent clients have brought up anxiety related to politics, weather events, family conflict, job-related stressors, acts of public violence, and so on. If you are looking for a reason to be anxious, you don’t need to look far.

It can be incredibly easy to get sucked into an anxiety spiral when our focus is on all the things we worry about. And once we’re in that spiral, it can be incredibly difficult to get out of it. I have added and will continue adding ideas for avoiding the anxiety spiral, and getting out of it (see here). One idea is to focus on what you CAN control.

First, let’s look at just a small sample of things that are outside of our control:

I cannot who is president. I cannot control what difficult task my manager assigns to me. I cannot control the never-ending heat or tornados. I cannot control my spouse’s words when we are arguing. I cannot control if my neighbor gives me a dirty look when she sees me outside.

I could go on and on and on, but you get the idea: there is SO much in our lives that we are unable to control, no matter how hard we might try.

When we focus on those things, it’s easy to feel anxious, stressed, worried, frustrated, and hopeless. However, if we can switch our focus to what we CAN control, it’s likely that we’ll begin to feel less dysregulated, more positive, and more like ourselves.

So what CAN we control? I’ll be honest, when you make a list of what you CAN control and a list of what you CANNOT control, sometimes the latter feels very overwhelming. BUT there ARE things we can control.

I can control who I spend time with.

I can control how I speak to others and about others.

I can control how I speak to myself and about myself.

I can control what I spend my time doing.

I can control my thoughts (though this may be difficult sometimes).

I can control the amount of water I drink.

I can control what foods I choose to eat to fuel my body.

I can control the amount of sleep I get.

I can control the amount of time I look at a screen.

I can control the amount of exposure I get to the news.

I can control what coping skills I use.

I can control the amount of time I spend on social media.

I can control who I follow on social media.

I can control how much physical activity I get each day.

I can control what boundaries I set with other people.

Back in 2020, I saw the below image making the rounds on social media (source is at the bottom of the image). What a time to be alive, right? COVID hit, and so many things that were outside of our control changed.

Those things outside of our control could feel SO big, SO heavy, SO overwhelming. Many people, though, found comfort in focusing on what they COULD control. It’s a tactic that can work well in lots of different situation. And see at the top where it says “So, I can LET GO of these things” in parentheses? First of all, easier said than done, right? BUT TRUE.

I believe self-talk is one of the greatest tools we have to tackle negative thinking and anxiety. It can be monumentally helpful to have a script to help you focus on what you can control. Maybe it will sound like this:

“Self, you cannot control ______. That’s a fact. So Iet’s choose to focus on _____ instead, because that is something you can control.”

Make it your own, and use it as a script to pull your focus back to what is within your control. If you’re struggling, reaching out to a family member or a friend who may help you identify what is within your control can help. Of course, a mental health provider can also help with this strategy.

Drop a comment with your script, or something within your control that you’re choosing to focus on!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

Hot Chocolate Breathing (A Calming Skill)

Who loves hot chocolate/cocoa? I do! So yummy, especially in the winter after we’ve been building snowmen or shoveling. Most kids I know LOVE hot chocolate, so Hot Chocolate Breathing is such a FUN way to calm down. It’s not uncommon for kids to be resistant to using calming skills when prompted, but when you make them fun, usually kids are more willing.

So what is hot chocolate breathing? It’s pretending to have a mug of hot chocolate in your hands, blowing on it because it’s too hot, then sipping it. It’s a way to get kids to take some deep breathes to calm down.

This is what I would say to engage a child in hot chocolate breathing:

“Put your hands out in front of you like you’re holding a mug, and pretend that mug is full of hot chocolate. Pretend you can see the steam coming off the mug, so you know it must be very, very hot. Let’s blow on it to try to cool it down. Take a big breathe, then slowly blow on your hot chocolate. Not too fast – you don’t want to spill! Okay, good, let’s do it again. Big breath in, then slowly blow out on your hot chocolate. Okay, let’s try a sip… wow! Still too hot! Let’s do two more big breaths to try to cool it down. Okay, let’s try it okay. Mmmmm… this is perfect, and so yummy.”

You can also make it more fun by adding marshmallows… before you take deep breathes, you could say, “I like marshmallows in my hot chocolate. How many marshmallows should we put in today? 12? Sounds good! Let’s pretend our marshmallows are here on the side. Let’s pick them up one at a time and count them until we get to 12.”

Adding the marshmallows can make this calming skill even more effective because you’re combining counting (another great calming skill) with deep breaths.

Some tips for getting kids to learn and use calming skills:

  • Teach calming skills when your kids are calm. It’s not very beneficial to try to teach your child a new calming skill when they’re escalated.
  • It’s usually best to do this WITH your child. Rather than say, “go do your hot chocolate breathing,” say instead, “let’s do your hot chocolate breathing together.” This makes it much more likely that your child will comply with the prompt.
  • Praise your child for using coping skills – both prompted and unprompted! This makes it much more likely that they will continue to use them.

I’m excited to hear how you’ve used this with children, and any modifications you’ve added (like counting marshmallows). Let me know with a comment!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Using Stress Balls for Emotional Regulation (and How to Make Your Own)

Stress balls can be a very effective tool for calming down when overwhelmed with emotions.  I think it helps for a few reasons… One reason is that it’s an activity to distract you from triggers and negative thoughts.  Another is that it involves muscle tensing and relaxing (while you squeeze the stress ball).  And a third reason is that it might be a little cathartic… squeezing something with a lot of force.

You can find stress “balls” in all shapes, colors, and sizes.  I even have one shaped and designed like a zebra… though my 1-year-old is currently using that with her Noah’s Ark Little People set.  A quick Amazon search for “stress ball” will bring up stress balls shaped like cats, emoji stress balls, and even one shaped like a breast (I don’t recommend buying that one for your kiddo).

In lieu of buying one online, you can easily make your own – or turn it into a family activity.  All you’ll need is a balloon, either rice or flour, and some sort of funnel to get the rice or flour into the balloon.  Then just follow these easy steps:

  • Stretch out the balloon a bit.
  • Use the funnel to get the rice/flour into the balloon.
  • Squeeze the air out of the balloon.
  • Tie off the balloon.
  • Cut off any excess rubber at the end (if necessary/desired).

This way, your kiddo can choose what color they want and could even possibly draw on the balloon with permanent marker to make it unique!

Keep in mind, as with any calming strategy, that children may need LOTS of reminders and practice to use calming strategies when they get upset.  So practice, practice, practice!  And don’t be afraid to offer a simple reminder like, “I can see you’re upset.  Why don’t you use your stress ball for a few minutes.”

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Get Grounded! A Strategy for Regulating Emotions

One grounding technique (to assist those dealing with overwhelming emotions) is to list 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel/touch, 3 things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.

I use this myself when I am trying to stay in control of my emotions and think it could be a great strategy for children.  To help kiddos remember to use the strategy and how to do it, I created a sign that can be printed (get the pdf here.)

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Posted on by khumbard87

Five Things I Do for Self-Care

To prove that I practice what I preach (that caregivers should engage in regular self-care), I thought I’d share what I do to help me manage the stress and anxiety of adulthood/parenthood.

1. Exercise – this is the most important one for me. I can tell a HUGE difference in my mood if I don’t exercise 2-3 times per week. When it was nice outside I would jog or walk with the baby and dog. Now that it’s cold, it’s more difficult to get in, but I try to get on the elliptical or treadmill a few times per week.

2. Read – when I’m not SUPER tired (so maybe 3-4 times per week), I try to read before bed. Earlier this week I finished Dan Brown’s new book, Origins.

3. Get out of the house – I get real bad cabin fever if I don’t leave the house every few days. Yes, it can be a pain to get the baby out, but I get pretty grumpy if I don’t get out and make an extra trip to target or hobby lobby, or just walk around the mall.

4. Play games on my iPad – this is going to sound soooo childish and I’m a little embarrassed to admit it, but I’m hooked on Cooking Fever and it’s one of the first things I do after the baby goes to bed. It just helps me disconnect from the stress of the day.

5. Play the piano – full disclosure: I don’t get to do this as much as I want to. Every time I start playing the piano, the baby crawls over and wants to bang on the keys. I’m happy to let her do that, but I cannot play and hold her in my lap at the same time!

My challenge for EVERYONE is to do at least one thing each day that is for you only and makes you feel happy, calm, and/or less stressed. If you make it a priority, you’ll see positive results!

Posted on by khumbard87 · 3 Comments

Inside Out Feelings and Calming Strategies Worksheets

I love using Inside Out when working with kids on emotion identification and emotion regulation.  It’s a fun movie and kids generally have a positive response when they see any of the characters from Inside Out, which mean the activity usually goes rather well.

I have created this worksheet to help kids identify how they’re feeling, how their body might be feeling, and some calming strategies they can use to help calm down.  This is similar to the Inside Out Feelings Book that I posted, but this worksheet is all on one piece of paper… and the reason for that is that I thought it would be nice to print this worksheet out and put it somewhere in the home (on the fridge, maybe?) as a visual prompt from kiddos.

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Download it here: Inside Out Feelings and Calming Strategies Worksheet

What I would do is sit down and help your kiddo fill in the blanks on the worksheet – for each of the four emotions (joy, anger, fear, sadness) there are 3 lines to write in body signals (how their body feels when they feel that emotion) and 3 lines to write an appropriate calming strategy.  Some of the body signals and calming strategies might overlap, but it would probably be beneficial to make sure there’s some variety!

Once it’s all filled out, put it somewhere your kiddo can see it.  Then, when you notice your child getting upset, prompt them to go find their Inside Out Feelings Worksheet, identify how they feel (help them, if needed due to age or development), then identify a calming strategy to use to calm down.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Push-Pull-Dangle for Emotional Regulation

An amazing kiddo that I work with taught me a new calming strategy that can be used at while sitting in a chair.  I love this idea for two BIG reasons.  First, it can be done at school without being disruptive.  Second, it can be done discreetly – I have worked with lots of kids who don’t want people to see/know that they’re trying to calm down.

So the strategy is called “push-pull-dangle” and there are 3 steps.

  1. Put your hands on the top of your chair seat and push as hard as you can.  Depending on how long your arms are and how strong you are, your bottom might come off the seat.
  2. Put your fingertips on the underside of your chair and pull, so that you’re pulling your bottom/body into your chair seat.
  3. Let your arms dangle loosely at your side.

This seems to be a form of a muscle tension/relaxation calming strategy – you tense your muscles by pushing and pulling, then relax them by letting them dangle.

Give it a try yourself, and maybe teach it to your kiddo to give them another tool to use to help them stay calm when overwhelmed with negative emotions!