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Positive Consequences vs. Negative Consequences

Did you know that there are BOTH positive consequences AND negative consequences? I’m going to guess that you may not have known this. No shame – I had no idea until my extra training in behavior modification! This is similar to the concept of reinforcement, which can be both positive and negative (if you’re interested, you can read about that here).

Most people hear the word “consequence” and think “punishment.” This CAN be true, but consequence doesn’t always equal a form of punishment. A consequence (more specifically, a negative consequence) can be a punishment, but consequences can also be positive too!

It’s really no wonder that most people think consequences are always bad. How many times have you heard someone say, “there will be consequences” (or something similar) in a menacing way? Or how many times have you made a “Pros and Cons list”? Both of these use of the word “consequence” can depict consequences as being only bad things.

So what is a consequence? A consequence is what happens as a result of something else. Or, according to Dictionary.com, a consequence is the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier. With this definition, consequence can be positive or negative. And to make matters even more complicated, whether it’s positive or negative can be subjective. A consequence of a thunderstorm is that the baseball game is cancelled. To the players, this may be a negative consequence. But to a tired mama who has to sit and watch her son play while also keeping track of his two younger siblings, this may more of a positive consequence.

For my own purposes as a therapist, and for the purposes of parenting, I think of “positive consequences” as praise and rewards, and negative consequences as any sort of “punishment.” This may not be technically correct, but for the purposes of parenting, it works. Again, if you want to get a little more technical, you can read Crash Course on Reinforcement (Positive and Negative).

Examples of negative consequences include loss of privileges, re-do, extra chores, time-out/ignoring/removing attention, or really any activity that your child doesn’t enjoy. Some parents make their children write out sentences about their behavior. Some parents make their children do jumping jacks or pushups. Or do something kind for a sibling. In my house, negative consequences include re-dos and loss of privileges. Different children respond differently to different negative consequences, so sometimes it’s a little trial-and-error to figure out what works best. Click here for tips on how to make negative consequences more effective.

Examples of positive consequences include praise, positive physical touch (high-gives, pats on the back) time-in/giving attention, and any sort of reward – whether it’s a special treat, extra tablet time, a special activity, etc. In my house, positive consequences frequently used include praise, positive physical touch, stickers, and small toys as rewards. Praise is such an under-estimated and under-used positive consequence. Click here for tips on making praise more effective.

To wrap up, remember that consequences can be both positive AND negative. While people tend to lean naturally towards using one or the other (I tend to lean towards using positive consequences more frequently, while my husband tends to lean more towards negative consequences), it’s usually good to have a nice balance of both. However, you’re the expert on your child; you know how they respond and can see for yourself what mix of consequences is motivating for them.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Why You Shouldn’t Use Warnings for Negative Behavior

Negative consequences can be difficult for caregivers to use and follow through with.  Few people actually want to discipline their children, and negative consequences can be inconvenient for caregivers.  These, perhaps, may contribute to a parent using warnings with children.  I’m sure these examples will sound familiar, as most adults have probably used warnings with their own kids, heard other parents use warnings, or heard warnings as a child from their parents.

  • “Do you want a timeout?”
  • “I’ll give you to the count of 3 to stop.”
  • “If you do that ONE more time, you’re going to be in trouble.”

Sure, these “warnings” might sometimes work to change behavior, but using warnings with children have some drawbacks.

  1. Your child may not take the warning seriously, which means they won’t be motivated to change the behavior.  If a parent uses warnings without a lot of follow through, the child won’t take the warnings seriously.  The child sees the warning as an empty threat.  The last time I was pulled over for speeding, all I got was a warning.  Trust me, I’m grateful for that, but it didn’t do much to change my driving speed.
  2. Your child may come to expect a warning each time they choose a negative behavior, so behavior won’t change long-term.  If a parent gives a child one warning every day for the same behavior, the kiddo is basically getting a free pass to behave that way once per day with no negative consequence.  If I knew that I would only get a speeding ticket if I was pulled over twice in one month (and only get a warning for the first time each month), I would only be concerned about speeding if I’d already gotten my warning for the month.  But as soon as the 1st of the month came, I’d be back to speeding again because I knew I’d get a warning first.  If you have a parent who counts to 3 (or higher) before issuing the consequence, you’re essentially giving them a few seconds to do whatever they please, because they don’t have to stop right away, just as long as they stop by the time mom or dad gets to 3!

Instead of using warnings, issue the negative consequence as soon as the behavior happens.  This is called immediacy and is one of the important factors in making consequences effective (see Tips for Making Consequences More Effective).  Nobody is perfect, lots of amazing parents use warnings on occasion, but being aware of the drawbacks may help you to reduce the number of warnings you use (and go straight to issuing a negative consequence)

If you’ve been using lots of warnings and suddenly begin issuing consequences without warnings, be prepared for an angry child who thinks it’s “not fair.”  My opinion is that once your child knows a behavior is unacceptable, earning a consequence is their choice (see Behavior is a Choice (and How Parents Can Use This Knowledge)).  They can choose acceptable behavior or they can choose unacceptable behavior and the consequence that comes with it.  Motivating children to choose acceptable behavior will happen a lot faster if you skip the warnings!

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The Power of Natural Consequences

Talking about and using rewards and consequences is such a big part of my job, and for good reason!  Consequences and rewards are some of the best ways to motivate a change in behavior.  However, consequences aren’t always “handed out” by parents, sometimes they just happen… and it’s called a natural consequence.  A natural consequence is something that “naturally” happens as a result of someone’s behavior.  And I said “someone” rather than specifying children because, guess what?!  Natural consequences happen to adults too.

A few “adult” examples:

  • I forgot to take my trash out last week.  The natural consequence?  My garage smells because I have week-old diaper trash that has to wait to go out.
  • I chose not to workout for a month.  The natural consequence?  Well, there are a few, but for starters I gained a few pounds.
  • I forget to take my umbrella to work on a rainy day.  The natural consequence?  I got wet on my walk to the car after work.

What these consequences have in common is that nobody else interfered or made them happen… they happened naturally as a result of what I did.

So now for a few “kid” examples:

  • My child chooses to run through the house (despite a “no running” rule) and falls down – that’s a natural consequence.
  • My child refuses to eat what I’ve made for lunch  The natural consequence?  They’re probably going to be hungry while waiting for their next meal/snack.
  • My child refuses to brush their teeth and gets a cavity.
  • My kiddo doesn’t clean their room and it starts to smell.
  • My child doesn’t pick up their dirty clothes, so they don’t get washed and he doesn’t have clean clothes to wear to school.

Natural consequences can be really powerful, depending on the situation and the person.  So many times children see their parents as “bad guys” for “giving” them a consequence, but with a natural consequence, the parent has nothing to do with it.  Instead, the consequence is what naturally happened as a result of what the child did (or didn’t) do.  Because of this, many kids feel a bigger sense of responsibility (rather than just blaming mom and dad for the “punishment”) for their actions.  And THAT can be very powerful.

When dealing with natural consequences, parents should try very hard not to rescue their child from the consequences (unless they are in danger, of course).  If you remind your child to take their umbrella and they forget, don’t make an extra trip to bring it to them.  If your child is refusing to pick up their dirty clothes, don’t go do it for them, even though you know they wore their last clean pair of pants to school today.  If your child refuses to eat a reasonable meal for lunch and you don’t normally give a snack before dinner, don’t bail them out of their hunger (the natural consequence) by giving an extra snack.

While you don’t want to rescue your kiddo from a natural consequence, it’s still appropriate to comfort them and empathize.  But do so in a way that doesn’t take the responsibility away from them and do so in a way that isn’t “rubbing it in.”  If you child refuses lunch and is hungry before dinner, avoid saying something like “bet you wish you’d eaten lunch now, huh?”  That would be “rubbing it in.”  Also avoid saying something like, “hopefully you’ll like what I make for dinner better.”  That could send the message that it’s your fault because your kiddo didn’t like their cooking.  Instead, trying something like, “it must be uncomfortable to be so hungry after choosing not to eat your lunch.”  Then you can possibly remind them how long it is until the next meal and suggest they find something to do to distract from their hunger.

One last point is to consider whether or not you would like the natural consequence to replace any other consequence your child would normally earn.  You can take into account the severity of the natural consequence before deciding if you want to also give out an additional one for the behavior.  If your child doesn’t seem phased by the natural consequence, then you might want to consider using one for their negative behavior.  However, if they are really affected by the natural consequence, you might decide that’s enough of a deterrent.  There’s really no wrong or right answer here, so just use your best judgment.

Natural consequences can be really inconvenient and frustrating, but sometimes they really “do the trick” in motivating kids (and adults!) to change their behavior.

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Should You Let Your Child “Earn Back” a Privilege?

I recently was asked if it’s “Ok” to let a child earn back electronic time that was taken away as a negative consequence due to behavior.  My opinion on the subject is that it’s appropriate, but only sometimes (like, once in a blue moon!).  Here’s my stipulations:

  • Don’t get into a habit of letting them “earn back” a privilege.

You took that privilege away for a reason!  Regularly letting a child earn back a privilege will make that consequence seem less severe for them.  Why be upset about losing a privilege if you know you’re probably going to earn it back?  This then decreases motivation to choose positive and pro-social behaviors.  It all comes down to follow through.  Let’s look at an example for adults: If my boss tells me that I have to stay late every time I hand in a report late, but almost every time he lets me leave early anyways…?  Guess what, I’m not going to be all that motivated to hand in my report on time… because I’ve learned that there’s no follow through on the consequence.

  • Don’t undo the entire consequence.

When using negative consequences, the best (fastest) way to decrease negative behavior is to use a negative consequence every single time it happens.  So if a parent does decide to let a child “earn back” something, don’t let them earn ALL of it back.  For example, if your child lost 15 minutes of electronic time, give them maybe 10 or 5 back.  Or it they lost ALL electronic privileges (computer, phone, Xbox, etc.), pick ONE device that they can use.

  • IF you are going to let them earn back a privilege, make sure they’ve gone above and beyond to earn it.

 Your child should do something EXTRA special and out of the ordinary in order to earn that privilege back.  Maybe your kiddo didn’t do their chores and lost TV time for the day, but later did their normal chores AND extra chores to.  Maybe your child hit their sibling and lost phone and computer privileges, but apologized (without being prompted) to their sibling and helped them with a task.

One last hint: if your child comes to expect to earn their privileges back (i.e., by asking “so do I get my time back since I apologized to my sister?”), then you’re likely letting them earn back privileges too often.  Also… the answer to that question should be “no.”  Don’t give in if your kiddo asks for their negative consequence to be undone!

 

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Tips for Making Negative Consequences More Effective

Just like praise (see my blog post Tips for Making Praise More Effective), there are some things to consider when deciding on a consequence.  Consequences can be both positive (rewards) and negative (read more on that here).  Some of the tips below are relevant for both positive and negative consequences, but this blog post will focus on tips for making negative consequences more effective.  Components to consider include:

Immediacy: the consequence will be more effective if it immediately follows the behavior.

Limit verbals: this is where a lot of parents go wrong.  It can be easy to fall into the habit of “lecturing” and re-hashing the behavior with your kiddo.  However, this can actually be reinforcing, as you’re giving the child lots of attention and one-on-one time during those fun talks.  Therefore, it is typically recommended that you limit verbal interaction – label the behavior and what you’d like your child to do differently, then let the consequence do the “talking.”

Neutral facial expression/voice: I’ve mentioned before that some children are reinforced by parental reactions… there are some kiddos who think it is hilarious when they can get other people worked up.  Therefore, try to use a neutral facial expression and neutral voice tone when giving a consequence.

Consistency: this one is SO important.  If you decide that a behavior is undesirable, then you have to do something about it every time your child chooses to act that way.  If they think they can get away with it sometimes, then they’re going to keep doing it.  This is why adults speed while driving.

Size: make sure that the size of the consequence fits what the negative behavior is.  Losing electronic privileges for a week might not be appropriate for forgetting one daily chore, but might be appropriate if your kiddo gets in a fight at school.

Follow through: Once you hand out a consequence, you must be able to follow through with it.  If you tell your child that they’ve lost television time, then let them watch television with you that night, that consequence means nothing.  Therefore, before you decide on a consequence, think about if it’s realistic and something you’re able to follow through on.

 

I have created the following handout for caregivers.  It might be beneficial to print it out and pin it up somewhere as a reminder.  A printable file can be found here.

Screen Shot 2017-12-20 at 12.42.56 PM

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

How to Make and Use a Chore Jar and Reward Jar

Sometimes it can be difficult to think of rewards and consequences when it’s time to use them. And sometimes using the same consequence or same reward can get really old… for you and your child.

Chore/Reward Jars fix this by letting you think of chores and rewards in advance, then letting/making your child pick one when it’s time. BONUS: they are super easy to make! Just follow these steps:

  1. Get two mason jars and a handful of popsicle sticks
  2. Use a permanent marker to write down your chores and rewards – one per popsicle stick.
  3. Place the chore sticks in one jar and the reward sticks in another.
  4. Wait until your kiddo earns a reward or consequence.
  5. When the time comes, tell your child to either pull out a chore stick (for negative behavior) or reward stick (for positive behavior).
  6. Follow through (or have your child follow through) with whatever is on the stick.

You can make these super fancy if you want… I’ve seen color-coded ones that are different levels of chores/rewards. And I’ve seen some decorated jars from some really creative parents. You can also use something other than jars and popsicle sticks. For example, you could use disposable cups and slips of paper. Or a bowl and pieces of paper.

A few things to keep in mind:

  • Be realistic with the chores – a chore that you have to help your child with might actually be reinforcing because your child gets one-on-one time with you. So include only chores your child can do on their own (or that they can attempt and you can “fix” it afterwards).
  • Ask your kid for input on (reasonable) rewards – you want to make sure they’re excited about picking something from the reward jar. They can even help you “make” the jars!
  • Explain the chore/reward jars to your kiddo so they aren’t confused the first time you use them.
  • Make sure the rewards are something you can follow through on, even if you’re in a hurry or if money is tight that week. The last thing you want is for your child to be excited about a reward then tell him/her that they have to pick a different one.
  • Add new chores/rewards to the jar occasionally so that there’s some variety.
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Behavior is a Choice (and How Parents Can Use This Knowledge)

It may not feel like it, but every behavior is a choice. I went into our master bathroom today and, as usual, my husband has neglected to pick up the hangers from his clothes (and for some reason this drives me crazy). Before I sighed and rolled my eyes, I thought to myself… I can either get mad about it, or I can just do it myself and move on with my day. So I picked them up and moved on with my day.

Some behaviors don’t feel like choices. When I pay my mortgage, I don’t feel like I have a choice to do otherwise. But I do! I can choose to pay my mortgage, or I can choose not to and suffer the consequences of late fees, a hit on my credit, and potentially (eventually) foreclosure and homelessness. My husband may not feel like he has a choice about employment, but that’s only because to choose not to work would mean choosing to not be able to pay bills and provide for the family.

As adults, most of us are pretty good at using our well-developed brains to think through what the consequences of each of our behaviors are. I know that if I run a red light, I might get pulled over and get a ticket. I know that if I don’t do laundry, I won’t have clean clothes to wear. I know that if I eat a bunch of junk food I feel sluggish and my face breaks out.

Children’s brains aren’t as developed and they probably have a difficult time thinking about the consequences of their actions without a reminder or repetition. That’s why consistent consequences are so important. If you are consistent with putting your child in a timeout every time they hit their sibling, it won’t take long for them to catch on that hitting = timeout. Once you know that your child is aware of the consequences of a behavior, you know that they are making the choice to misbehave even though they know there will be a consequence. This, to me and many of the parents I’ve worked with, makes discipline a little easier. It makes you, as a parent, feel less like “the bad guy.” Your kiddo knew that they had a choice to make and chose something that would lead to consequences, so they take on that responsibility.

It’s also really helpful to frame it that way to a child by telling them the choice they made, followed by the consequence. Some examples:

  • “You chose not to eat your vegetables at dinner and the consequence is no bedtime snack.”
  • “You chose to argue when told it was time for bed, so now you won’t get a bedtime story.”
  • “You chose not to complete your worksheet at school, so now you won’t have any free time until it’s completed here at home.”
  • “You chose not to clean your room when I told you to, so now you owe me an extra chore after you clean your room.”

Speaking this way let’s your kiddo know that the consequence is a result of a behavior (choice) that they made, not because you’re a “mean” mom or dad. It can also be beneficial to remind your child of their choices and consequence if they are struggling to make the right choice. If you tell your child it’s time for bed and he begins arguing, reminding him that choosing to go to bed right away results in a bedtime story, while choosing to argue results in no bedtime story, you can help him make a better choice. Granted, he may choose to argue anyways, but at least you can be 100% sure that he knew what the consequence was before making his choice.

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Using Rewards and Consequences at Home to Reinforce School Behavior

It’s very, very common for me to hear from parents that their child is struggling with behavior at school, but is a great kid at home.  I’ve had a lot of frustrated parents in my office because they just don’t know what to do.  Unfortunately, there can be a lot of barriers in the school system, including teachers with too many kids in their classroom.  I’ve also heard some kids name “punishments” at school that are actually positively reinforcing their negative behavior… this isn’t necessarily because the school is clueless; sometimes what is “punishing” for one kiddo can be reinforcing for another.

So what can you, as a parent, do?  One thing you can do is use a reward or consequence at home for your child’s behavior at school.  This would require you to work with your kiddo’s teacher to somehow (phone call, email, note sent home, etc) get a message EACH DAY from the teacher about how the child’s day went.  TIP… you’re going to want to pick one or two “problem behaviors” to get feedback on – this could be aggression, compliance with schoolwork, or anything else your kiddo might be struggling with – make sure your child’s teacher knows what specifically to report on.  I’ve had a mom send a “smiley chart” to school, with the teacher’s approval, to be completed each day.  I’ve also had moms who just get a short email update from the teacher.

From there, you get to decide whether you want your child to earn something extra if they behaved well, or if they lose a privilege or earn some other kind of consequence if they displayed any negative behaviors.  A few examples:

  • Reward: Child can earn an extra 30 minutes of electronics time if the teacher says they did well that day.
  • Reward: Child can earn a special after-school snack if the teacher says they did well that day.
  • Reward: Child can stay up 10 minutes late if the teacher says they did well that day.
  • Consequence: Child has to complete an extra chore if the teacher reports negative behavior.
  • Consequence: Child loses television time if the teacher reports negative behavior.
  • Consequence: Child has to complete an extra math/reading/writing worksheet if the teacher reports negative behavior.

Pick something that you know will motivate your child, give them a heads up about the change, then be as consistent with it as possible!  Eventually, once your child is successful, you will want to fade the consequence or reward.  So you might start offering a reward every other day instead (for good behavior on both days), then eventually just once per week (for good behavior 5 out of 5 days per week).

*Note: I’m not recommending that all parents use a reward/consequence system for school behavior… this is more for the kiddos who are struggling with something specific at school*