Posted on by khumbard87

CBT Strategy: Ask “What Would I Tell a Friend?”

Did you ever watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? It might still be running, but I remember watching it years ago, and seeing how contestants were able to “phone a friend” when they needed help.

In CBT, there’s a common question that’s similar to “phone a friend.” (But no, you’re probably not going to be able to use this strategy to win a million dollars.) First, if you need a refresher on CBT, go find out more about it: Crash Course on CBT and the Cognitive Triangle.

When confronted with negative thoughts that are making you feel miserable (e.g., worried, sad, angry), it can be really helpful to ask, “what would I tell a friend in this situation.” Pretend your friend just pushed the “phone a friend” button and called to ask your advice for what to do in a given situation or with a negative thought. And pretend that situation or negative thought is what YOU’VE been going through.

For example, if I’m heading into an IEP meeting at my child’s school, I might be thinking a thought similar to, “the school isn’t going to listen to what I have to say or do what’s helpful for my child.” This thought is bound to make me feel hopeless, sad, or frustrated… and the meeting hasn’t even started!

So use the “what would I tell a friend?” strategy. Pretend a friend just called you, and said, “Krista, I’m really struggling. I’m headed to JJ’s IEP meeting and I’m worried the school isn’t going to listen to what I have to say, and that they aren’t going to do anything to help him.” Can you imagine your friend calling you to tell you all of that, and you respond, “yeah, you’re probably right. Maybe it’s best just not to go; just don’t even try.” Can you imagine?! Most people are not going to respond like that. Nobody I personally know would!

We are typically much, much kinder and encouraging to other people than we are to ourselves. It’s usually much easier to think of what advice/encouragement we would give to someone else who is in our situation. A few options:

  • “I’m so sorry you’re feeling worried about this. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you’re thinking it will be.”
  • “I don’t think that’s going to happen! The teachers have been so great, I’m sure they’ll continue doing what’s best for JJ.”
  • “Even if they tried to do that, you’ve done so well for advocating for JJ! You can do it!”
  • “That’s stressful! Would it help to make some notes to take with you? Would it help to talk through your thoughts with me before you go to practice what you want to say?”

The great thing about this is that there is not just one right answer. If it’s true and helpful (meaning it causes positive emotions), then it’s “right.” When asked what you would tell a friend, a funny thing happens… typically we give encouragement/advice that we most need to hear. So if you use this strategy, you’ll like be able to say something that will be incredibly helpful for you.

Then what? Repeat it to yourself, often and with confidence! When the negative thought starts to creep in again, remember what you said earlier and replay it in your head.

This tactic is more helpful with some people than it is with others, but a great strategy to try if you’re struggling with negative thoughts that you’re having a hard time getting rid of!

So… in the above situation, what would YOU tell a friend?

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Crash Course on CBT and the Cognitive Triangle

If you’ve taken a psychology course or have done any therapy, there’s a good chance you’ve heard the term Cognitive Behavior Therapy or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). However, I’m guessing most people would have a difficult time describing what it is or how it works. Which is understandable; I’ve been using CBT for years and feel as if I have barely scratched the surface!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a widely used, evidence-based form of psychotherapy that focuses on identifying and changing unhelpful/unrealistic/unhealthy thought patterns, beliefs, and behaviors. CBT is grounded in the idea that our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are interconnected.

This is illustrated with a “Cognitive Triangle.”

The Three Points of the Cognitive Triangle:

  1. Thoughts – What we think or believe (e.g., “I’m not good enough”).
  2. Feelings – What we emotionally experience (e.g., sadness, anxiety, anger).
  3. Behaviors – How we act or respond (e.g., avoiding a task, withdrawing from others).

How it Works:

  • A thought can lead to a certain emotion, which then drives a behavior.
  • For example:
    • Thought: “I’m going to fail this presentation.”
    • Feeling: Anxiety or fear.
    • Behavior: Avoiding the presentation or procrastinating.

Why This is Useful?

The cognitive triangle is used in therapy to break negative cycles (e.g., anxiety, depression, low self-esteem). Once people are aware of their thoughts and the cognitive triangle, typically they have a higher chance of changing their thought and how they respond. This also facilitates use of healthier coping strategies!

Back to CBT:

The Cognitive Triangle shows that if you change one part, it can influence the others. That’s why CBT often focuses on identifying and changing unhelpful thoughts to improve emotional well-being and behavior. If you can challenge and change your thought, you can change your feelings (or at least decrease the severity of negative feelings) and change your behavior.

During CBT sessions, therapists work collaboratively with clients to examine negative thought patterns, and build practical coping skills. There are many different techniques used to do this, but the first step is to practice being able to identify your thoughts. Some people tell me that sounds silly, but sometimes it can be difficult for people to tell me what their thought is. So we practice during session, and they practice outside of session as part of their homework.

From there, we move on to strategies clients can use to change their thoughts. CBT is highly effective for a range of issues, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, OCD, and more. But it takes effort. It takes lots of practice and building habits that may seem difficult at first, but will get easier and easier the more you do it.

Another amazing thing about CBT is it can be generalized into so many different areas. A client who comes in for CBT to help with work stress will learn skills that can be helpful in all aspects of their life, from dealing with difficult family members to handling parent stress.

Yet another amazing thing about CBT is that it can be helpful with children and teenagers too! The process and strategies look a little different, but I’ve had children as young as 5 or 6 be able to challenge negative thoughts and feel “better” as a result.

Don’t get me wrong – there are a plethora of other amazing forms of therapy out there, also evidenced-based and wildly successful. CBT is just one option, and it’s the one that makes the most sense to me as a therapist.

More about CBT will be coming soon! What’s something else about CBT you’d like to learn about? Drop a comment and ask!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.