Posted on by khumbard87

Extinction Burst (Why Behavior May Get Worse Before It Gets Better)

If you have a kiddo with a “problem” behavior and you implement a new parenting strategy, chances are you hope that the behavior will get better right away. Wouldn’t that be nice? Don’t get me wrong – SOMETIMES that happens. Sometimes, you start doing things a little differently, such as implementing a consequence or ignoring behavior, and you start to see improvement right away.

Unfortunately, more often than not, most people experience what’s called an “extinction burst.” Doesn’t sound so good? It’s not, but knowing that it may come can help caregivers anticipate it and be prepared for when it happens.

So what IS an extinction burst? It’s the way behavior analysists/therapists describe an increase in the severity of behavior once extinction occurs. Basically, once you take away whatever is reinforcing a child’s behavior (like attention, an item, or getting out of doing something), their behavior gets a little worse before it bets better. Clear as mud?

Let’s say I have a boy who throws a tantrum after lunch every day because he wants a brownie. He cries and screams and kicks the walls, and I do my best to hold out, but I eventually cave and give him one. Then one day I decide I’ve had enough and I’m not going to give him a brownie, no matter what. That day his behavior is likely going to be even worse. In addition to crying, screaming, and kicking walls, he might say he hates me, and try to hit me.

The chart below shows how the severity of a behavior (on a scale from 0 to 10) gets worse once extinction (not giving a brownie) begins (this is indicated by the red line). The behavior gets worse, but then starts getting better!

(Severity of outbursts)

Unfortunately, this extinction burst is where some parents might be tempted to give up, or to think that what they’re doing doesn’t work. BUT, an extinction burst is actually a sign that what you are doing is working!

Let’s imagine what is going through the boy’s mind. The little boy wants a brownie, so he cries, screams, and kicks the walls. He’s thinking any minute now, she’ll give up and give me a brownie. But then a few minutes go by and he starts to think well shoot, this isn’t working; she’s usually caved by now. So what does he then think? Oh well, I guess I’ll give up…? Not usually! Probably something more like I better try even harder! What else can I do to convince her to just give it me? Then he starts with the hurtful words and hitting. He has learned that his typical behavior isn’t cutting it, so he amps it up. This is the extinction burst. Just when you thought your kiddo’s behavior was bad enough, you see this burst of something even worse.

Don’t give up! Keep with it, and it WILL get better. You just need to be consistent to get through that extinction burst and see progress. It’s also important to note that, even after the extinction burst, it’s not out of the norm to see some smaller bursts of more severe behavior. You think you’re seeing progress and then BOOM! Your child decides to test the limits again. They’re just testing your resolve to see if you’ll stick it out. Consistently show them you will (that you’re more stubborn than they are), and their negative behavior will fade.

And while you’re going through that extinction burst, remind yourself “this means what I’m doing is working.” Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to get through it. “This will all be worth it in the long run.” “I can do this.” Whatever will work for you to keep your consistency up.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Why You Shouldn’t Use Warnings for Negative Behavior

Negative consequences can be difficult for caregivers to use and follow through with.  Few people actually want to discipline their children, and negative consequences can be inconvenient for caregivers.  These, perhaps, may contribute to a parent using warnings with children.  I’m sure these examples will sound familiar, as most adults have probably used warnings with their own kids, heard other parents use warnings, or heard warnings as a child from their parents.

  • “Do you want a timeout?”
  • “I’ll give you to the count of 3 to stop.”
  • “If you do that ONE more time, you’re going to be in trouble.”

Sure, these “warnings” might sometimes work to change behavior, but using warnings with children have some drawbacks.

  1. Your child may not take the warning seriously, which means they won’t be motivated to change the behavior.  If a parent uses warnings without a lot of follow through, the child won’t take the warnings seriously.  The child sees the warning as an empty threat.  The last time I was pulled over for speeding, all I got was a warning.  Trust me, I’m grateful for that, but it didn’t do much to change my driving speed.
  2. Your child may come to expect a warning each time they choose a negative behavior, so behavior won’t change long-term.  If a parent gives a child one warning every day for the same behavior, the kiddo is basically getting a free pass to behave that way once per day with no negative consequence.  If I knew that I would only get a speeding ticket if I was pulled over twice in one month (and only get a warning for the first time each month), I would only be concerned about speeding if I’d already gotten my warning for the month.  But as soon as the 1st of the month came, I’d be back to speeding again because I knew I’d get a warning first.  If you have a parent who counts to 3 (or higher) before issuing the consequence, you’re essentially giving them a few seconds to do whatever they please, because they don’t have to stop right away, just as long as they stop by the time mom or dad gets to 3!

Instead of using warnings, issue the negative consequence as soon as the behavior happens.  This is called immediacy and is one of the important factors in making consequences effective (see Tips for Making Consequences More Effective).  Nobody is perfect, lots of amazing parents use warnings on occasion, but being aware of the drawbacks may help you to reduce the number of warnings you use (and go straight to issuing a negative consequence)

If you’ve been using lots of warnings and suddenly begin issuing consequences without warnings, be prepared for an angry child who thinks it’s “not fair.”  My opinion is that once your child knows a behavior is unacceptable, earning a consequence is their choice (see Behavior is a Choice (and How Parents Can Use This Knowledge)).  They can choose acceptable behavior or they can choose unacceptable behavior and the consequence that comes with it.  Motivating children to choose acceptable behavior will happen a lot faster if you skip the warnings!

Posted on by khumbard87

What To Do When Your Child Is Sent Home From School For Negative Behavior

Most parents think their child would never do anything bad enough at school to get sent home, but it happens.  Kids have rough days too.  You may not be overly concerned if it’s a one-time occurrence, but unfortunately, it can snowball fairly quickly.  Why?  Because most kids would rather be at home than at school!  

I don’t want to bash schools – I know their options are fairly limited, but oftentimes sending a child home for negative behavior can turn a small problem into a big one.  Let’s look at what can (not always!) happen when a child is sent home from school for negative behavior.  The child learns that they can go home as long as they do something “bad” enough at school – being sent home is a reward.  So the child will continue acting up so that he/she can be sent home.  Then, once the school starts developing a behavior plan (IEP) in an attempt to try other interventions and prevent the child from being sent home, it’s too late!  Now the child will do whatever it takes to be sent home, even if it means resorting to behaviors more severe than when they first got sent home (this is called extinction burst).

Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of things that parents can do about school behavior and the school’s response.  Parents can use rewards and negative consequence (click here for tips on how to do so).  Parents can also do their part to reduce the likelihood that being sent home is reinforcing for a child.  So what do you need to do in order to make sure going home isn’t like a reward?

  1. Make sure your child doesn’t get a free pass to have fun the rest of the day.  Don’t let them spend the whole day in their room playing with their favorite toys.  Don’t take them on fun errands or to the park.  Make sure that they’re doing something that they don’t necessarily like during the time they’re supposed to be in school.  Let me be clear… I don’t mean stick your kiddo in a corner for 5 hours.  But consider having your child do some chores or do school work (or print out some academic worksheets).
  2. Make sure you’re not giving your child an excessive amount of attention for what happened (remember that bad attention can still be reinforcing).  Sure, you’re probably going to talk to your child about what happened and what a better choice would’ve been.  Here’s what you don’t want to happen… your child gets attention from you as you discuss the situation the entire way home, then more attention when you call his grandparent and tell them what happened, then even more attention while hearing you talk to your spouse when they get home from work, and then they get even more attention when their other parent comes to talk to them about what happened.  Cut that attention down as much as you can if you have a child who thrives on being the center of attention (give them that attention when they do something well instead!).
Posted on by khumbard87

Inside Out Behavior Charts

With all the other Inside Out worksheets and all the other behavior charts I’ve done, I cannot believe I haven’t done an Inside Out behavior chart/contract… so here it is!

Behavior Contracts can be a really useful tool for caregivers to use when trying to increase or decrease a behavior.  Some benefits include:

  • Behavior contracts help caregivers and children keep track of the behavior and the reward.
  • Kids can get involved in filling it out as the day goes by – this is motivating for them!
  • You can modify them as time goes on by changing the reward or making it a little harder to earn the reward.
  • Well-written behavior contracts have very specific expectations, so there’s no question as to whether a child earned the reward or not.

I have created three different Inside Out behavior charts for parents to use.  They are fill-in-the-blank so that you can insert your child’s name, specify what the goal behavior is, and specify a reward.

You also get to specify the length of time to complete the chart – so you may decide that your child has 3 opportunities over the course of a day.  Or you may decide they have one opportunity per day, so you’d use the 5-character chart over the course of a work week.  These can also be used as chore charts – you’d just write chores in instead of a behavior.

Some tips:

  • Try to use proactive language.  Instead of “Krista will not swear,” use “Krista will use nice words all day.”  Or instead of “Krista will not run,” use “Krista will walk” or “Krista will use walking feet.”
  • BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE
  • Pre-teach the contract to your child to make sure they understand it.

 

3-character Inside Out Behavior Chart (click here to print):

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4-character Inside Out Behavior Chart (click here to print):

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5-character Inside Out Behavior Chart (click here to print):

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Posted on by khumbard87

What I Can/Can’t Control Worksheet

It is extremely common to hear children “blame” others for their behavior.  I’ve worked with kiddos who instantly argue with “but he did it first” when they are corrected for misbehavior.  They might be right… maybe a peer did initiate, but that doesn’t mean the child has to do the same (or retaliate).  It can take a lot of discussion to get a kiddo to acknowledge that they only have control of their own bodies and that they can choose to make good choices regardless of what others are doing around them.

The worksheet below is to help kiddos identify things that are within their control and things that are not within their control.  I typed “to help kiddos,” but guess what?  I’ve met my fair share of adults that would benefit from thinking about this as well!

What I Can/Can’t Control Worksheet (click here to print):

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Posted on by khumbard87

Using a Diagnosis as a Crutch

It is incredibly easy to fall into the habit of making excuses for our children’s behavior (and our own)!  My daughter is only 11 months old and I already find myself doing it. I’ve said, “she’s teething, so she’s a little grumpy,” when she’s whiny at the grocery store.  I’ve said, “she didn’t sleep well last night,” when she has a cry-fest in the church nursery.  When we look at the root of it, I think parents make excuses because they don’t want to be judged for having a not-perfect child.  But guess what?  Nobody is perfect, especially children!

I can’t speak from experience, but I would think that this pressure is increased exponentially if you have a child who has a mental health diagnosis (think Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc).  These are some of the children who are most likely to “act up,” leaving their parents with ample opportunity to feel judged by others.  So I’m sure it’s easy to throw out “he has Autism” or “she has ADHD” to justify a kiddo’s behavior.  Sometimes, that might be appropriate, so I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ever make excuses for your child.  However, I think it’s a slippery slope and consistently excusing behavior could turn into both parents and their children using a diagnosis as a crutch.

 

Yes, your child’s diagnosis might (depending on what it is) make it more difficult (and sometimes near impossible) for them to do certain things.  I’m not talking about holding a child with ADHD to the exact same standards as every other child in the classroom.  A child with ADHD will have more difficulty staying focused on a task and controlling impulses.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t meet certain expectations.  When you consistently use their diagnosis as an excuse, a few things can happen over time:

  • You might throw all expectations of reasonable behavior out the window and just let your child get away with everything.  This will likely create havoc in your home, the child’s classroom, and possibly your marriage/relationship.  Here’s the thing: I don’t think anyone just wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “I’m just going to have zero expectations and let my child do what they want.”  It happens slowly over time, but (again) it’s a slippery slope when you start excusing behaviors because of a mental health diagnosis.
  • Your child might pick up on what you’re doing and start using their diagnosis as an excuse to justify their own behavior.  They may start to think that they can get away with everything because they can blame it on their mental health.

I have a sister with a mental health diagnosis (well, actually, it’s more like 3 or 4 diagnoses) and she uses these diagnoses as a crutch.  It is incredibly frustrating because she uses her mental health as an excuse for many terrible behaviors, like being rude and disrespectful to family members.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that her diagnoses make it more difficult for her to regulate her emotions and more difficult for her to control her impulses, but at this point, it seems as if she has stopped trying and just blames everything on her mental health issues.

I have talked to numerous parents who let their child get away with negative behavior because of a diagnosis they have received.  With my own sister, I’ve seen how difficult it can be to determine where to draw the line… what is she capable of doing and what is she not capable of doing?  Even though it’s hard to know what the limit is, the worst thing would be to just stop trying and use her diagnoses as a crutch.  Sometimes it takes a little bit of trial and error to figure out what the expectations should be.  Sometimes you might need help from an unbiased party (teacher, school psychologist, therapist, pediatrician, etc.) to find out where to draw that line.  Sometimes the process of that trial and error can be incredibly frustrating.  But it’s necessary.  And it’s worth it.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

Tips for Making Negative Consequences More Effective

Just like praise (see my blog post Tips for Making Praise More Effective), there are some things to consider when deciding on a consequence.  Consequences can be both positive (rewards) and negative (read more on that here).  Some of the tips below are relevant for both positive and negative consequences, but this blog post will focus on tips for making negative consequences more effective.  Components to consider include:

Immediacy: the consequence will be more effective if it immediately follows the behavior.

Limit verbals: this is where a lot of parents go wrong.  It can be easy to fall into the habit of “lecturing” and re-hashing the behavior with your kiddo.  However, this can actually be reinforcing, as you’re giving the child lots of attention and one-on-one time during those fun talks.  Therefore, it is typically recommended that you limit verbal interaction – label the behavior and what you’d like your child to do differently, then let the consequence do the “talking.”

Neutral facial expression/voice: I’ve mentioned before that some children are reinforced by parental reactions… there are some kiddos who think it is hilarious when they can get other people worked up.  Therefore, try to use a neutral facial expression and neutral voice tone when giving a consequence.

Consistency: this one is SO important.  If you decide that a behavior is undesirable, then you have to do something about it every time your child chooses to act that way.  If they think they can get away with it sometimes, then they’re going to keep doing it.  This is why adults speed while driving.

Size: make sure that the size of the consequence fits what the negative behavior is.  Losing electronic privileges for a week might not be appropriate for forgetting one daily chore, but might be appropriate if your kiddo gets in a fight at school.

Follow through: Once you hand out a consequence, you must be able to follow through with it.  If you tell your child that they’ve lost television time, then let them watch television with you that night, that consequence means nothing.  Therefore, before you decide on a consequence, think about if it’s realistic and something you’re able to follow through on.

 

I have created the following handout for caregivers.  It might be beneficial to print it out and pin it up somewhere as a reminder.  A printable file can be found here.

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Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 4 Comments

Crash Course on the Four Functions of Behavior

There is a purpose behind all behavior; sometimes the purpose is fairly obvious and other times it can be hard to tell why someone is behaving a certain way.  There are 4 general functions of behavior and they are Tangibles, Escape/Avoidance, Attention, and Sensory.  I have created a (very colorful!) informational handout that summarizes the four functions of behavior.  This can be very helpful for therapists, teachers, and parents.

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You can find the file to print here.

Tangibles is when someone exhibits behavior in order to get something. Escape is when someone exhibits behavior in order to get OUT of something. Attention is when someone exhibits behavior to get attention (NOTE: to many kids, negative attention is better than no attention, so they may act up to get the attention from getting into trouble). Lastly, Sensory is when someone exhibits a behavior because it helps them cope with an uncomfortable feeling.

Sometimes it’s easy to determine the function of behavior. Sometimes it’s not. For tips on how to identify the function of behavior, read the blog post Tips for Identifying what “Function” is Fueling Your Child’s Behavior. Remember that this can be tricky stuff, and seek the help of a professional if you need it!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.