Next up in this Social Skills Series is Asking Permission. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

As I sit here trying to think of a great opener for this skill, I’m really just left thinking that asking permission is not really a very exciting skill. Important, sure! Just not very exciting to talk about. And not really a social skill that most people focus on. I think Asking Permission is one of those skills that you only focus on if it’s a problem, as opposed to social skills that you proactively teach to increase your child’s success in social settings.

So why is asking permission important? The most motivating rationale for children is that they are less likely to “get in trouble” for asking permission. If my daughter turns the television on without asking, she loses all electronic time for the day. Another rationale is that it’s respectful and makes it more likely you’ll have good relationships with others. Your child may not be able to hold onto friendships if they take others’ things without asking.

One thing to note about asking permission is that you likely don’t want your child to think they have to ask permission for every single thing. Like going to the bathroom at home, or playing with their own toys, or getting a glass of water. You will have to teach your kiddo when they need to ask permission. Here are some examples of times your children may need to ask for permission:

• Before taking something from someone’s hands
• Before borrowing an item from someone
• Before using particular items – television, tablet, etc.
• Before getting a snack
• Before getting out of your seat to use the bathroom at school
• Before going into a sibling’s room
• Before going outside to play

When teaching any social skill to children, it can be important to practice the steps to successfully completing the skill. These can be individualized for your child/family, but here is a simple set of steps for asking permission:

1. Look the caregiver in the eye
2. Ask permission by saying “Can I please…”
3. Say “okay”
4. If told “yes,” do it. If told “no,” don’t do it.

To practice asking permission, you can use both games and role-play:

• Mother May I is a fun way to ask for permission. Have someone be the “mother” and the other person stand across the room and ask, “mother, may I take ___ steps.” The “mother” then gets to say “yes” or “no.” This is especially fun for kids if you let them be the “mother” in the game a few times.
• With any board game or card gamee, you can have children ask permission before taking their turn. I’ve done this with Candyland, Chutes and Ladder, and Don’t Break the Ice, but any game where you take turns will work. “Can I please take my turn now?” Because it wouldn’t be very nice to tell them “no” they can’t have their turn, then for me to take a second turn in a row, when I tell a child “no,” I have them say “okay,” then prompt them to ask again. OR, you can also practice emotion regulation with this by having them say “okay” then pick a coping skill to use before you prompt them to ask again.
• Practice while coloring – you can be the keeper of the crayons/markers and your child can practice asking permission by asking “can I please have the red crayon,” then saying “okay.”
• Practice with Legos – be the keeper of the legos and have kids ask permission to use specific pieces when they need it (“can I please have the yellow Lego?”)
• You can role-play by having your child sit in a chair and ask permission to get up to get a kleenex, use the bathroom, or get a drink (“can I please get up and get a drink?”)
• You can also role-play by playing with toys and having your child ask permission to play with a toy your using (“can I please play with that?”)

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

• Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
• Make sure to praise you child!
• Try to make it fun!
• If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

There are lots of ways to practice this – I’d love to hear the fun ways YOU come up with to practice! Please share in the comments!

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

• Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
• Make sure to praise you child!
• Try to make it fun!
• If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.