Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Social Skills Series: Saying “Please” and “Thank you”

Good morning/afternoon/evening/night! The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Saying “Please” and “Thank you.” If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

Whether or not you’ve ever said the words “social skill” in relation to saying “please” and “thank you,” most people acknowledge that those words are very important in today’s society. Does that mean everyone uses them consistently? Not at all – even adults are not always great about it. But most people would agree that it’s kind and respectful to say “please” when they want something and “thank you” when they’ve received something.

One rationale for saying “please” is that it makes it more likely that the person will say “yes.” And a rationale for saying “thank you” is that it makes it more likely people will do kind things for you next time. These are pretty solid rationales, in my opinion. Can you think of examples of a time that you were inclined to say “no,” but because the person said “please,” you said “yes” instead? I can! Just a few days ago my daughter asked for “one more time” going down the water slide. I looked at her, considered her “please,” and told her that I was saying “yes” only because she had asked so nicely and said “please.” And how many times have you given something to someone, not gotten a “thank you,” and thought to yourself, “I guess I’m done doing nice things for them” or something similar? Please and Thank You are important!

Books can be a great way to introduce skills to kids! There are two books in the Berenstain Bears series that can be read aloud to your child to introduce them to the concept of using “please” and “thank you.” One if The Berenstain Bears Forget Their Manners and the other is The Berenstain Bears Say Please and Thank You. I have not read the second one, but Forget Their Manners was a favorite of mine when I worked in a treatment facility with children.

So how to practice saying “please” and “thank you?” There are so many ways! One of the easiest ways I’ve practiced is to do a coloring activity with your child. You hold on to all of the crayons/markers/colored pencils, and when your child wants one, they must say “please” when asking and “thank you” once they’ve received. You could also practice with a small treat – carry a small baggie of m&ms or chocolate chips around, and in order to get one, your child must say “please” when asking and “thank you” once they’ve gotten one. Another idea is with a sticker book. My daughter still needs help peeling the stickers, so I can practice with her by making her ask “please” when she is ready for another sticker to put on, then saying “thank you” once I’ve given her one. Yet another option is to use building blocks of some kid – put all the blocks in a pile and before taking one, your child must ask “please,” then say “thank you” once you tell them it’s okay to take one.

Remember to praise and reward (optional) your child when they are successful! You want to praise every time they say “please” or “thank you.” Rewards are, again, optional. With each of these practice ideas, there is a positive consequence built in to the practice – they are getting a sticker for their book, getting a block to use, or getting a crayon to use. And obviously if you are having them practice saying “please” and “thank you” for a small treat, the small treat acts as a reward. If you want to, you can use another reward – my recommendation would be to use a reward for a certain number of successes. Such as, ten successful “please” and “thank you”s will earn something. You can even give a sticker for each success, then give a reward when they earn a certain number of stickers. Ten stickers may equal ten extra minutes of tv time (or any other reward you want to use).

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child for saying “please” and “thank you.”
  • Kids LOVE IT when they can turn the tables – let them be in charge during the practice and praise YOU for saying “please” and “thank you.”
  • Try to make it fun! If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Drop a comment with any other fun ideas for practicing this important social skill!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Taking Turns

Welcome to the first of the social skills in the Social Skills Series (read Social Skills Series: Introduction to learn more about social skills and why I’m writing this series). I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that taking turns may be one of the hardest social skills for kiddos. When they like to do something, it is unbelievable difficult for them to step away and let someone else try it. I mean, honestly, it’s hard for adults too!

I’ve seen so many examples of this as a therapist and a parent. Just this morning my daughter had a play date with a sweet friend and the two of them struggled to take turns with the steering wheel on the play set. Luckily, this did not turn into major conflict for them. But a few months ago my daughter had a playdate with some school friends – there were 4 girls and only 3 balls and it got pretty rough. Yelling and “stealing” balls from someone else… eventually there were tears. Taking turns is hard!

Does your child need a diagnosis and therapy if they struggle to take turns? Absolutely not! Having difficulty with this social skills is totally developmentally appropriate. There’s no need for alarm if your child struggles to take turns while playing with others. But that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t benefit from practice!

So how do you practice taking turns? PLAY! Practice does not have to be a super boring activity. Just play something where you can practice taking turns. Some examples from my own family:

  • Take turns being the preferred doll while playing with the dollhouse. My kiddo’s favorite doll and princess is Cinderella and she always wants to “be” Cinderella. Sometimes I stress the importance of taking turns and she lets me be Cinderella for a few minutes.
  • Take turns while playing a board game. This is so easy – you just play like you normally would, but talk about taking turns and point out that you’re taking turns. So simple.
  • We also take turns playing with the dogs and their toys – we all like to throw the toys for the dogs to fetch, but we can’t all throw it each time. This is a great opportunity to talk about taking turns and to practice.
  • We also take turns while coloring or painting – when we want to use the same color, we have to take turns.

Most of these examples are things that happen in “normal” play. The difference is that we don’t normally talk about taking turns while doing it. Simply by calling attention to the social skill, and praising/encouraging your child for taking turns, it can make a world of difference.

Sometimes I’ll do something a bit different with my daughter by acting as if I refuse to take turns – I’m never mean about it, I may just say something like, “I think I want to take another turn.” Then we talk about how she would feel if I DID skip her turn. This is a great way to help kiddos develop some empathy and to understand what their friends may feel like when they don’t do well with taking turns.

Some tips for practice: Always do this when your child is in a good mood. It doesn’t usually go well if you try to practice when your child is super grumpy or after you just corrected their behavior. Also, make sure to praise and encourage them for the skill they are practicing. For example, say, “you’re doing a great job taking turns” or “isn’t it nice to take turns and play together?”

Besides practice, it is incredibly beneficial to pay attention to your child playing and correct them when they struggle to take turns. You probably can’t catch it every single time, but if you see it, walk over and talk about it! Remind them why taking turns is important and prompt them to try again!

Drop me a comment and let me know what ways you practice taking turns with your kiddos!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.