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Social Skills Series: Introduction

I’m curious as to what comes to mind when someone with a non-clinical background hears the phrase “social skills.” As a therapist with a strong background in behavior modification, I’m familiar with social skills – what they are, why they’re important, how to teach them, how to reinforce them.

So what are social skills? They’re the things (skills) we do to socialize with other people. These skills can be both verbal and non-verbal, and are important for humans to learn in order to be successful building relationships with others. How do we learn social skills? Many times, we learn them through watching others and mimicking their behavior. This is such a great, mostly effort-free way for your kids to learn prosocial skills. But guess what? Kids can also learn inappropriate, negative skills from other kids (and adults!). So it can be helpful for parents to practice these skills with kids – especially those skills that you see your child needs some improvement in.

Some individual social skills include: take turns, respecting boundaries, sharing, asking for help, asking permission, saying “thank you,” saying “sorry,” waiting patiently, following directions, complimenting others, accepting “no” for an answer, resisting peer pressure, greeting others, and saying “no” to others appropriately. This is not an exclusive list by any means. There are many, many more social skills. The blog site And Next Comes L, has a list of 50 social skills, which you can find here on their site.

Why are social skills important? The “big picture” answer is to successfully build relationships with other people. Social skills are how we meet and keep friends. Social skills are how we maintain bonds with family members. Social skills help with interviews, getting jobs, and keeping jobs. Social skills are how we sell items or ideas to other people. Pretty important!

How to teach them? Yes, your children will be exposed to these skills by watching others and may mimic these skills. If you notice your child struggling with a social skills, you can model the skills for them and practice. Then you can reinforce this with praise when you see them do it well (both in practice and outside of it).

What happens if we don’t teach/practice them? We may end up with children who struggle to interact positively with others. As a therapist, I see this in some of my clients. As a parent, I see this in my own kiddo and in other kiddos we interact with. I see my daughter struggle to be a good sport when she loses a game. I see many kids struggle to take turns and wait patiently while playing at playgrounds. I see clients who struggle to show gratitude, which leaves family members feeling resentful. I see clients who have “perfectionist” tendencies struggle to ask for help when they need it.

Now, please hear me out when I say that no child will be “perfect” with social skills. I’m not of the opinion that all parents should be practicing all of these skills with their kids – we have enough to do! There’s no need for alarm if your child is still learning. Maybe they just need a little more time, socializing, and developmental progress to really nail those social skills. But if you see them struggling and it’s affecting their relationships with others, it’s a great idea to practice with them. This series is not to add to the parent load by preaching about ANOTHER thing you must do with your children. This is an informational series for parents who may see their child struggling in an area or two and want to help.

Be on the lookout for posts about individual social skills to be added! I hope to cover each social skill listed in this post. I can’t wait to hear how you’re practicing these skills with your kiddo!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Practicing Transitions (From Preferred Activities)

Transitions are hard for most kids.  Most kiddos I’ve known and worked with struggle the most with transitioning from electronic use.  When told to turn off the tv/tablet/phone/video game, they are NOT happy.  Any favorite activity that comes to an end can lead to an incredible amount of emotion.  My kiddo’s hardest transition is saying goodbye to grandparents she is having fun with.   

This is all normal.  It’s normal to be sad, or disappointed, or mad, or frustrated that a preferred activity is ending.  For most children, it’s important to show some empathy (“I know it’s hard to say goodbye to grammy and papa”) and a firm repeat that it’s time to go.  Or help leaving, if they need to be carried or led with hand-holding.

However, if your child is throwing a tantrum or engaging in behavior that is distressing to you, it may be time to go a little further.  You have the options of positive or negative consequences.  I’ve often rewarded my daughter with fruit snacks (positive consequence) if she listens without arguing or whining when told it’s time to go.  You could also use a time-out or removal of privileges (negative consequences) to motivate your child.

The intent of this post, though, is to focus on PRACTICE.  Accepting decisions is a social skill, and practicing this social skill will help your kiddo be more successful in real life.  So how to practice?  There are a lot of options, and you can personalize it to what your child struggles with the most.  Here are some steps to help:

1)      Pick a preferred activity that your child struggles with.

2)      Decide what your practice structure (how long the preferred activity will last, what your child “should” do when told it’s time, and what reward they will earn for success) will be.

3)      Tell your child everything from step 2 BEFORE giving them the preferred activity.

4)      Have them start doing whatever they love to do.

5)      Once the time you decided is over, tell them it’s time to be done.

6)      Listen and watch their response.

7)      Praise them for a job well done, OR provide constructive feedback.

8)      Try again!

An example:

1)      I decide my child struggles with turning the tv off, so this is what I want to practice.

2)      I decide that my child will watch tv for 3 minutes, then will need to say “okay” and turn the tv off right away when I tell her it’s time.  If she does so, she can have a chocolate chip.

3)      I tell my child everything from step 2.

4)      I set her up watching tv.

5)      After 3 minutes, I tell her it’s time to turn the tv off.

6)      I listen to her say “okay” and turn it off right away.

7)      I praise her enthusiastically and give her a chocolate chip as a reward.

8)      We continue practicing.

Remember to make your praise big when your child is successful at practice.  Make the practice fun for them!  

One very important note is that you should ONLY PRACTICE WHEN YOUR CHILD IS CALM.  Actually, it’s a good idea to make sure BOTH of you are calm.  It is not a great idea to practice transitions in the middle of your child’s tantrum.  Practice will not go well if your child is escalated – you’ll both just end up frustrated.  Instead, wait until they are in a decent mood.  If at any point your child is becoming emotionally escalated during the practice, just say something like, “it seems like now isn’t a good time, but we can try again later.”  If you find your child becoming consistently escalated, consider increasing the reward/praise, or consider how you might make the practice a little easier for them.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Crash Course on Differential Reinforcement

Heard of differential reinforcement? It’s one of those terms from the behavior modification world that sounds pretty intimidating. Which is unfortunate because it is incredibly important in changing children’s behavior.

So what does differential reinforcement mean? It means reinforcing (praising or giving a positive consequence for) the behavior that is OPPOSITE of the behavior you don’t like. It means reinforcing only the behavior that you want to see more of, or increase. Which, in turn, means NOT reinforcing the behavior you do not want to reinforce.

I sometimes use this concept with parents who have strongly determined what behavior they DON’T like, but haven’t mentioned what they would like to see instead. I don’t know that I’ve ever used the word “differential reinforcement” with a child’s parents, but I ask, “what do you want your child to do instead of _____?”

As parents, we are pretty good at picking out behaviors we don’t like. I don’t like when my daughter doesn’t follow directions. I don’t like when she throws her shoes in the middle of the entryway. And I certainly don’t like it when, at bedtime, she sings at the top of her lungs.

Once a parent knows what behavior they do NOT like, it’s possible to give a negative consequence or ignore that behavior to decrease it. But the other half of the equation is to figure out what you want your child to do instead, then reinforce it with praise and/or positive consequences.

Most of the opposite behavior is super easy to determine. The opposite of not following directions? Follow direction the first time asked. What would I like my kiddo to do with her shoes instead of throwing them in the middle of the entryway? Put them in her shoe cubby. The opposite of singing in her bed when it’s time to sleep? Lay quietly.

It’s important to decide what you would like your child to do instead of whatever they are doing that’s bothering you. Then, let your child know what you’d like them to do – kids are not always the brightest, and may not even be able to identify what they *should* be doing instead unless you tell them. After that, start praising and/or rewarding the positive behavior.

This two-fold approach can work pretty quickly – a negative consequence for the negative behavior, and a positive consequence for what you want to see instead. Be consistent with it, and the negative behavior will decrease, while the positive one increases.

What would happen if you use a negative consequence for the negative behavior without reinforcing the alternative/positive behavior? You run the risk that your kiddo may replace one negative behavior with another one. If I tell my daughter to stop throwing her shoes in the middle of the entryway without telling her where I’d like her to put them, she may start throwing them in the middle of the living room instead, or leaving them on the stairs.

In summary, when you, as a caregiver, are seeing a behavior you don’t like, think about what you’d like your kiddo to do instead, and positively reinforce THAT behavior.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Extinction Burst (Why Behavior May Get Worse Before It Gets Better)

If you have a kiddo with a “problem” behavior and you implement a new parenting strategy, chances are you hope that the behavior will get better right away. Wouldn’t that be nice? Don’t get me wrong – SOMETIMES that happens. Sometimes, you start doing things a little differently, such as implementing a consequence or ignoring behavior, and you start to see improvement right away.

Unfortunately, more often than not, most people experience what’s called an “extinction burst.” Doesn’t sound so good? It’s not, but knowing that it may come can help caregivers anticipate it and be prepared for when it happens.

So what IS an extinction burst? It’s the way behavior analysists/therapists describe an increase in the severity of behavior once extinction occurs. Basically, once you take away whatever is reinforcing a child’s behavior (like attention, an item, or getting out of doing something), their behavior gets a little worse before it bets better. Clear as mud?

Let’s say I have a boy who throws a tantrum after lunch every day because he wants a brownie. He cries and screams and kicks the walls, and I do my best to hold out, but I eventually cave and give him one. Then one day I decide I’ve had enough and I’m not going to give him a brownie, no matter what. That day his behavior is likely going to be even worse. In addition to crying, screaming, and kicking walls, he might say he hates me, and try to hit me.

The chart below shows how the severity of a behavior (on a scale from 0 to 10) gets worse once extinction (not giving a brownie) begins (this is indicated by the red line). The behavior gets worse, but then starts getting better!

(Severity of outbursts)

Unfortunately, this extinction burst is where some parents might be tempted to give up, or to think that what they’re doing doesn’t work. BUT, an extinction burst is actually a sign that what you are doing is working!

Let’s imagine what is going through the boy’s mind. The little boy wants a brownie, so he cries, screams, and kicks the walls. He’s thinking any minute now, she’ll give up and give me a brownie. But then a few minutes go by and he starts to think well shoot, this isn’t working; she’s usually caved by now. So what does he then think? Oh well, I guess I’ll give up…? Not usually! Probably something more like I better try even harder! What else can I do to convince her to just give it me? Then he starts with the hurtful words and hitting. He has learned that his typical behavior isn’t cutting it, so he amps it up. This is the extinction burst. Just when you thought your kiddo’s behavior was bad enough, you see this burst of something even worse.

Don’t give up! Keep with it, and it WILL get better. You just need to be consistent to get through that extinction burst and see progress. It’s also important to note that, even after the extinction burst, it’s not out of the norm to see some smaller bursts of more severe behavior. You think you’re seeing progress and then BOOM! Your child decides to test the limits again. They’re just testing your resolve to see if you’ll stick it out. Consistently show them you will (that you’re more stubborn than they are), and their negative behavior will fade.

And while you’re going through that extinction burst, remind yourself “this means what I’m doing is working.” Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to get through it. “This will all be worth it in the long run.” “I can do this.” Whatever will work for you to keep your consistency up.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

How To Get Your Child to Stop Acting Out for Attention

Every parent has or will deal with this at some point. Their child is acting out and it’s hard to identify why. Usually your daughter has a meltdown when she asks for M&Ms and doesn’t get them. Or she whines and stomps her feet when told it’s time for bed. That behavior is due to wanting something (M&Ms) and wanting to get out of something (bed). Of the Four Functions of Behavior, attention is one of the hardest two to deal with.

Why? Well, for one, it can be hard to identify that attention is why your child is acting out. If you need help, see these tips for identifying what “function” is fueling your child’s behavior. Remember, negative attention is better than no attention. Another reason it can be difficult to “fix” behavior caused by desire for attention is that, for many parents, it can be hard to provide the solution, which is to give your child attention when they are being good. Why is this hard? For one, life is busy. Caregivers everywhere are working, keeping houses clean, balancing budgets, cooking, and doing all the other daily things that go with being a human and parent.

Imagine a mom who needs to empty the dishwasher. She has been playing with her child for 10 minutes or so, and decides it’s time to go empty it. About 5 minutes in, her child starts acting up. So she yells from the kitchen (thus giving attention) to stop, then goes back to work. One minute later, the child starts yelling and the mother runs in and scolds the child (again, giving attention). In this situation, the mother is reinforcing the child’s behavior by giving them exactly what they want… ATTENTION. But it’s a hard cycle to break because caregivers can’t just ignore all their other responsibility in order to give their child 100% of their attention all the time. That’s unrealistic and, frankly, not healthy for anyone.

So what do you do? The first step is to start making an effort to give more attention when your child is doing something “good.” Obviously you can’t do this ALL the time, but start trying to catch your child being good and let them know you saw and approve (praise!). This is call TIME-IN (as opposed to Time-outs, which remove attention for negative behavior). Time-in is all about giving your child lots of attention and praise when they are doing something well. By giving them more positive attention when they do something “good,” you decrease the likelihood they are going to act out for attention.

A second tactic to try to is to use your attention as a reward. This doesn’t mean withhold your attention unless they earn it; rather this means carving out an extra 10 minutes towards the end of the day for you to do something special with your child and give them your sole attention for that time. They earn it with their positive behavior. If they have been throwing a fit or tantrum, then they earn that extra time by not doing so throughout the day. Whatever they’ve been doing that you don’t like, figure out what the opposite is and make that their goal, then reward them for it. Give them 10 minutes of extra reading time before bed, or 10 minutes playing a board game, or 10 minutes of painting your toe nails… whatever your kid loves to do WITH you, do it with them for 10 minutes.

A third intervention, and likely the hardest, is to limit attention for negative behavior. This doesn’t mean to ignore every “bad” behavior. But it does mean that it is in your best interest to try to cut down on the amount of attention. Some parents like to lecture. When you have a child acting out for attention, lecturing is the jackpot for them. Why? Because you’re giving them attention! So try to cut back on that attention. Limit verbals. Instead of a lecture, say “no thank you” or something else that gets the point across without using a lot of words and attention.

Lastly, you can use consequences to cut down on attention-seeking behavior. Just make sure this consequence isn’t one that means more time with a caregiver. Take away 5 minutes of electronic time. Have them pick a chore from a chore jar. That wouldn’t even necessarily require verbals, you can just walk the chore jar over to them and hold it out for them to pick.

If you can follow these steps, you can make a lot of progress on decreasing your child’s attention-seeking behavior. Start somewhere, try your best, and keep making an effort until you see progress. Remember that it’s always possible (and likely) that the behaviors will get a little worse before they get better (this is called an extinction burst). But stick with it. And if you’re having a hard time, seek help from a therapist to come up with a plan.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

Tips for Identifying What “Function” is Fueling Your Child’s Behavior

If you haven’t heard of the Four Functions of Behavior, read about it here. Basically, the Four Functions of Behavior are the reasons your child is behaving the way they are. Sometimes it’s really easy to identify the function of their behavior. Sometimes it can be a little tricky.

One thing that might help is to make a timeline of what happened just before, during, and after their behavior. Here’s an example:

In this situation, the most likely function of Bob’s negative behavior was the desire for attention. How do we know this? Look at what immediately happens prior to Bob’s negative behavior (which was throwing toys)… he was either not getting any attention at all, or had just been told by his mother that she couldn’t give him attention. Whether he would have been able to verbalize the need or not, Bob wanted attention and was willing to do anything to get it.

Another tip to help determine the function of behavior is to think about these questions…

  • What happened just prior to the negative behavior?
  • What finally got my child to stop?
  • Was my child trying to get something?
  • Had my child just been told they couldn’t have something?
  • Was my child trying to get out of doing something?
  • Had my child just been told to do something they likely didn’t like?
  • Was my child feeling overwhelmed with negative emotion?
  • Immediately after the negative behavior, did they seem calm?

A final tip is to use an ABC chart to track Antecedents, Behaviors, and Consequences. This can be helpful to track patterns of behavior over time. You can just use a piece of paper and draw 4 columns (Day, Antecedent, Behavior, and Consequence), or you can download the one I created here.

If you’re still having a hard time and the behaviors are creating disturbances at home or school, it may be time to talk to a therapist/counselor for help!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

7 Tips For Success With Remote Learning

Remote learning. As my 3 year old would say… HOLY GUACAMOLE. I have so much respect for parents who are having to navigate remote learning with their child(ren). Especially those who are doing so while working a first time job!

Remote learning is coming up a lot during my therapy sessions with parents of school-aged kiddos. It’s a struggle for every family I’m working with. Every. Single. Family. The issues? Kids refusing to log in and participate. Kids having a difficult time staying engaged. Technology issues. Kids doing inappropriate things on devices (even school devices!) during school time. Kids lying about having “break time.” Kids interrupting parents who are trying to work-from-home in the same room. ALL kinds of concerns. So if you think you’re alone in dealing with these behaviors, you definitely are not!

And let’s all just take a second and think about how hard this is on our kids. Yikes. Eight year olds are not meant to spend 7 hours a day in front a screen doing “school.” Not only is sitting in front a screen all day bad, but add in that many kids aren’t seeing friends, extended family members, aren’t engaging in clubs and other extracurricular activities, and aren’t going out for “fun” (movie, bowling, skating, etc). Their whole worlds have been turned upside down. So remember to have realistic expectations and lots (LOTS!) of grace. For yourself and the tiny humans you’re responsible for.

To help with succeeding at remote learning, here are SEVEN things you can try:

  1. Set expectations and clearly communicate these expectations to your child(ren). My expectation would be that they treat their remote school learning as they would a regular school day. No getting out of your chair unless given permission, no distracting items on your desk, and no snacks except during break. Definitely no electronics (other than what is needed to complete school sessions/work).
  2. Set up a school space. This doesn’t have to be anything fancy, but have a set school space. It’s probably not a good idea to let your child do school work on their bed or on the living room floor with the television on. Have them sit at a desk or a table if possible. Try to remove as many distractions as you can. Have their supplies ready and accessible from their seat. You may not be able to anticipate every need, but do the best you can to have everything ready for their school day.
  3. Monitor your child(ren)! There are so many more distractions/temptations at home and anyone who has children knows that attention spans are a struggle. Be in the room to prompt them back to their work when needed. (Note: I’m well aware that this step may be near impossible for some parents, depending on their work situation – do what you can, cut yourself some slack when it’s not a choice for you. You are a super-parent, but there are some things you can’t control).
  4. Offer praise and small rewards throughout the day. For kiddos who are really struggling to stay engaged, offer a small reward periodically throughout the day. Maybe after each class session, depending on how their school is structured. Or once per hour (or half hour, if the struggle is really, really real).
  5. Offer a reward at the end of the day. This can either be done on its own or in addition to a small reward throughout the day. If your child stays engaged and gets all their work done, let them pick out a preferred snack at the end of the day. Or allow an extra 15 minutes of electronics time. Pick something that is motivating for them, but make sure they earn it!
  6. Use break time wisely. Most parents I’ve talked to who have kiddos doing remote learning have told me that their kiddos get break times throughout the day. Instead of letting them use that time to zone out on YouTube or lay down, get them up and moving around! This will help get energy out and help them be able to focus better when it’s time to get back to their school screen. Create a list of physical activity for them to do – jumping jacks, squats, lunges, starfish jumps, etc. Have them do a KidzBop dance video. Have them walk up and down the stairs a few times. Have them go outside and run around the house (if this is safe and the weather cooperates).
  7. Consider fidget toys and/or fidget seat. I’ve heard from all of my families with ADHD kiddos that focus is more difficult when remote learning than in class. One thing that may help your child is to have a toy (or several) to fidget with, or a seat that they can move around in. You can find several variations of the fidget seats… wiggle seat, wobble chair, etc. OR try a big medicine ball. OR, I saw a neat idea the other day where a parent turned their kiddo’s bike into a stationary bike for them to ride while they do their school work. Note: some kiddos may be extra distracted with these options, so it may take some trial and error.

Good luck! You can do it! Have any suggestions of your own or things that have worked well with your kids? Drop a comment and share!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Tips for Getting Your Child to Wear a Mask

I don’t want this to be a political post… I’m not going to say whether or not I agree with mask-wearing or whether or not I think requiring them is infringing on our freedom. That’s not what this site is for. The reality is that with the COVID-19 pandemic (which probably isn’t just going to go away any time soon), many states/schools/businesses are requiring people to wear masks when in public places. Whatever your reasons for encouraging your child to wear a mask (because it’s required or because you’re an advocate of mask-wearing), here are some tips for getting your child to wear one:

  • Wear a mask yourself. This doesn’t work for every child, but many children will be more likely to wear a mask if they see their caregivers wearing a mask. My daughter is highly motivated to wear a mask because she’s (somehow) thinks her mom and dad are pretty cool, so if we wear masks, she’s more than happy to wear hers.
  • Provide rationales/reasons. Talk to your kids (depending on age) about why it’s important to wear a mask. You don’t have to scare them, but give them just enough information to explain why wearing a mask is important. This might be, “the store won’t let us shop here if we don’t have it on,” or might be “masks help protect people from germs.” Try not to overthink it. Depending on the age of your child, knowing WHY they need to wear a mask might make them more likely to follow through.
  • Take baby steps – get them used to wearing a mask a little bit at a time. If your child is going to be required to wear a mask ALL DAY at school, or if you’re going to have your child wear a mask on a long plane ride, it’s in your and their best interest to have them “practice” for smaller amounts of time leading up to those longer periods of time. Start with 10-15 minutes and work your way up.
  • Praise and speak positively about masks. Anyone familiar with this site knows I’m a big believer in praise. It can do wonders. So praise your child for wearing a mask. Tell them they’re doing a great job. Also, talk positively about masks and mask-wearers when you’re around your child. If it’s your opinion that nobody should be required to wear a mask and masks are worthless, then great – you have the right to that opinion. AND you have the right to share that opinion with anyone you want. But I’m here to tell you that if you’re bashing masks and people who wear them while your child is within earshot, your kiddos is going to be less likely and less motivated to wear a mask if/when you need them to.
  • Make it fun. Turn mask-wearing into a sort of game… your a special kind of super hero and your mask if you “cape.” Find masks with fun prints. Turn “practice” time into a game, to see who can keep their mask on the longest. Find ways to make it fun and you’re sure to have a kiddo who enjoys wearing a mask.
  • Reward. If all else fails, offer a reward. If your child is required to wear a mask at school, let them know that they can have a favorite snack when they get home if they make it through the day with their mask. Offer a few extra minutes of screen time if your kiddo complies with mask-wearing. Do what you need to do.

Good luck! Comment with any ideas that have worked for you that you’d like to share!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Using a Token Economy with Kids

Do you know what a token economy is? Never fear, you’re about to find out! The term might sound a little intimidating, but using a token economy with kiddos is a great way to improve behavior. A token economy means that they are getting small objects (tokens) for instances of good behavior – then, once they earn enough “tokens,” they trade them in for a prize.  Just like how I earn money for working, then turn it in for a prize to pay bills after I get paid… that’s a lot less fun, but the concept is the same.

A few examples:

  • I might give my daughter a “token” every time she follows a direction the first time asked. When she has collected 10 total, she gets some electronic time.
  • I might give my kiddo a “token” every time he completes his homework. Once he has 10 tokens, he gets to pick a fun family outing.

A token economy is a great way to use big rewards for many instances of good behavior, while also making sure you’re giving praise and a small reward (the token) immediately… because immediacy is important, remember? If you don’t, read Tips for Making Praise Effective.

So how do you get started? First, pick a positive behavior you want to increase. It could be just about anything that you want your kiddo to do more of.  Second, pick what you will use as a “token.” You want it to be something fun, something easy to keep track of, and something that your kiddo won’t find around the house (and cheat by adding to the pile they’ve been given).

A few ideas (in no particular order):

  • Stickers
  • Marbles
  • Colored or marked Q-tips
  • Rubber bracelets
  • Rubber bands (marked)
  • Colored paper clips
  • Fake coins
  • Laminated pieces of paper

**I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this, but… don’t use any smaller items if your kiddo is young enough that the item could be a choking hazard.**

Next, pick a reward AND decide what the goal is – how many small objects does your child need in order to earn the reward.  You don’t want to make this goal too easy or too hard, but remember: if you do, you can always bump that goal up or down.  As for choosing a reward, you can enlist the help of your child if you need to – just ask them what they’re interested in earning.  Or, you could also do a reward menu, where the kiddo would get to choose from a list of rewards once they meet their goal.  There really are a lot of options!

After you’ve made all of these decisions, explain what’s happening to your child – that they will earn a small object (whatever you’ve chosen) each time they do whatever positive behavior you’ve chosen, then they will be able to turn those small objects in, once they’ve earned a certain amount, for a bigger reward.  The next step?  Catch them being good and be consistent with handing out those small objects.  Not too difficult, right?  Good luck!

Posted on by khumbard87

Three Steps (Tell-Show-Do) for Encouraging Compliance with Young Children

Little kids, especially those under 3 years of age, can have a VERY difficult time following directions – which is completely age-appropriate!!  For one, their communication skills are developing, so they may not understand a lot of commands that are said to them.  Secondly, their attention spans are extremely short!  Also, they’re testing their independence and may show a defiant streak!

I do not believe it’s appropriate to give a negative consequence to a child for something that they don’t understand or are unable to do, due to age and development.  BUT you still want to have kiddos of all ages follow through on every task you give them.  So how do you get a child under the age of 3 with limited verbal skills to do this?  You follow 3 steps:

  1. TELL your child what you want them to do.  Keep it short – recommended length of a prompt/direction is one word per age of life (which isn’t always possible, but keep it short)!  Also attempt to be specific.  You might tell your 2-year-old to “pick up toys.”  If she doesn’t…
  2. SHOW your child what you want them to do.  If you told your 2-year-old to “pick up toys” and she looks at you, then keeps playing, get her attention again and show her what you want her to do by picking up a toy and putting it in the box.  Then repeat your prompt (“pick up toys”) and give her the opportunity to pick up.  If she doesn’t, then…
  3. DO the task with your child, hand-over-hand.  Take your daughter’s hand, pick up a toy together, and put it in the toy box.  Once you complete one part together, start over with step one by verbally repeating the prompt.

This is more of a teaching and practicing method – your goal is to help your little one understand what prompts mean, but you’re also teaching them that it’s important to follow through with what mom/dad say!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.