Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Asking Permission

Next up in this Social Skills Series is Asking Permission. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

As I sit here trying to think of a great opener for this skill, I’m really just left thinking that asking permission is not really a very exciting skill. Important, sure! Just not very exciting to talk about. And not really a social skill that most people focus on. I think Asking Permission is one of those skills that you only focus on if it’s a problem, as opposed to social skills that you proactively teach to increase your child’s success in social settings.

So why is asking permission important? The most motivating rationale for children is that they are less likely to “get in trouble” for asking permission. If my daughter turns the television on without asking, she loses all electronic time for the day. Another rationale is that it’s respectful and makes it more likely you’ll have good relationships with others. Your child may not be able to hold onto friendships if they take others’ things without asking.

One thing to note about asking permission is that you likely don’t want your child to think they have to ask permission for every single thing. Like going to the bathroom at home, or playing with their own toys, or getting a glass of water. You will have to teach your kiddo when they need to ask permission. Here are some examples of times your children may need to ask for permission:

  • Before taking something from someone’s hands
  • Before borrowing an item from someone
  • Before using particular items – television, tablet, etc.
  • Before getting a snack
  • Before getting out of your seat to use the bathroom at school
  • Before going into a sibling’s room
  • Before going outside to play

When teaching any social skill to children, it can be important to practice the steps to successfully completing the skill. These can be individualized for your child/family, but here is a simple set of steps for asking permission:

  1. Look the caregiver in the eye
  2. Ask permission by saying “Can I please…”
  3. Say “okay”
  4. If told “yes,” do it. If told “no,” don’t do it.

To practice asking permission, you can use both games and role-play:

  • Mother May I is a fun way to ask for permission. Have someone be the “mother” and the other person stand across the room and ask, “mother, may I take ___ steps.” The “mother” then gets to say “yes” or “no.” This is especially fun for kids if you let them be the “mother” in the game a few times.
  • With any board game or card gamee, you can have children ask permission before taking their turn. I’ve done this with Candyland, Chutes and Ladder, and Don’t Break the Ice, but any game where you take turns will work. “Can I please take my turn now?” Because it wouldn’t be very nice to tell them “no” they can’t have their turn, then for me to take a second turn in a row, when I tell a child “no,” I have them say “okay,” then prompt them to ask again. OR, you can also practice emotion regulation with this by having them say “okay” then pick a coping skill to use before you prompt them to ask again.
  • Practice while coloring – you can be the keeper of the crayons/markers and your child can practice asking permission by asking “can I please have the red crayon,” then saying “okay.”
  • Practice with Legos – be the keeper of the legos and have kids ask permission to use specific pieces when they need it (“can I please have the yellow Lego?”)
  • You can role-play by having your child sit in a chair and ask permission to get up to get a kleenex, use the bathroom, or get a drink (“can I please get up and get a drink?”)
  • You can also role-play by playing with toys and having your child ask permission to play with a toy your using (“can I please play with that?”)

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

There are lots of ways to practice this – I’d love to hear the fun ways YOU come up with to practice! Please share in the comments!

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 6 Comments

75 Coping Skills for Kids (FREE Printable)

The last post published was Coping Skills Reminder Signs, and towards the end, I realized that I did not have an extensive list published of coping skills… and I cannot believe I’ve gone this long without making one. It’s really hit-or-miss online finding a list of coping skills for kids. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good ones out there, but I’ve had a hard time finding free, printable lists of more than 15-20 coping skills. So if you’re looking… voila, here it is.

You may call these “calming strategies,” “calming skills,” “calming techniques,” “coping strategies,” or something else. What you call them isn’t important… what IS important is that they help your child (or you!) calm down. As a therapist, I always tell clients, both children and adult, that coping skills don’t work the same for everybody. What works for me may not work for you. What works for you may not work for your kiddo. What works for one of your kiddos may not work for your other kiddo. Sometimes it’s a little bit of trial and error to figure out what works.

So here are 75 coping skills for kids to try. Usually, I recommend picking a few to try, then keeping track of what works and what doesn’t.

You can download this (with logo) to print by clicking here.

Not all of these may look familiar to you, so here is a list of them with explanations or links:

  1. Snake breath – take a big, deep breath, then release it while make a “ssssssss” sound, like a snake
  2. Bunny breath – take a breath by taking 3-4 little “sniffs” through your nose, then let the breath out through your nose
  3. Bee breath – plug your ears, take a big, deep breath, then release your breath while making a “mmmm” sound
  4. Box breath – breathe in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, then breathe out for four seconds
  5. Shape Trace Breath – trace a shape (i.e., star, triangle, hexagon) while take deep breaths
  6. Hand Trace Breath – trace your hand/fingers while taking deep breaths; breathe in while traveling up a finger and breathe out while traveling down the length of your finger
  7. Hawk Hug – hug yourself like you love yourself! Hug yourself by placing your right hand on your left shoulder and your left hand on your right shoulder. Take a few deep breaths, then gently and slowly pat your shoulders with your hands, alternating sides.
  8. Candle Breath – hold your hand in front of you like you’re holding a candle, then imagine blowing on the candle slowly and softly, so as not to blow it out
  9. Ocean Breath – hold your hands over your ears, then breathe in and out of your nose (this will create sounds like ocean waves)
  10. Rainbow Breath – hold your arms at your sides, arch them around and up over your head as your breathe in, then move them back down to your sides as you breathe out
  11. Hot Chocolate Breath
  12. Blow Bubbles
  13. Push-Pull-Dangle
  14. Stretch
  15. Jumping Jacks
  16. Yoga
  17. Stress Ball
  18. Fidget Toy
  19. Play with PlayDough/Slime
  20. Draw
  21. Paint
  22. Color
  23. Listen to Music
  24. Sing a Song
  25. Dance!
  26. Progressive Muscle Relaxation – tensing and release muscle groups. I usually recommend Angry Octopus (for young kids) or this YouTube video.
  27. Watch something funny
  28. Meditate (there are many guided meditations for kids on YouTube)
  29. Cook or bake something
  30. Calm Down Bottle
  31. Play with sand
  32. Punch a pillow
  33. Ride a bike
  34. Rip paper
  35. Scream into a pillow
  36. Garden
  37. Create/Build something
  38. Craft
  39. Count to 10
  40. Count to 100
  41. Count by 3s
  42. Count backwards from 100
  43. Count in a different language
  44. Play outside
  45. Take a bath/shower
  46. Jump on a trampoline
  47. Origami
  48. Do a puzzle
  49. Journal
  50. Visualize your happy place – have your child pick a place that makes them happy, then close their eyes and imagine they are there
  51. 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding
  52. Make a bracelet/necklace
  53. Jump rope
  54. Play a game
  55. Read a book
  56. Play an instrument
  57. Look at cartoons
  58. List your favorite things
  59. Cuddle a stuffed animal
  60. Go for a walk
  61. Make a list of things you’re thankful for
  62. Drink water
  63. Pray
  64. Cuddle a pet
  65. Tell a joke
  66. Smell something good
  67. Clean/organize something
  68. Take a nap
  69. Move in slow motion
  70. Use positive self-talk
  71. Talk to someone
  72. Use an I-feel statement
  73. Ask for a hug
  74. Play a sport
  75. Paint your nails

Some tips for getting your child to use coping skills:

  • Practice when they’re happy/in a good mood!
  • Model these for your children – they’re more likely to do something if they see you do it.
  • Praise your child for using coping skills!
  • Prompt your child to use a coping skill when you see them getting upset.
  • Consider making a Coping Skills Reminder Sign.

I hope this is a helpful list! I’d love for you to leave me a comment with the coping skill that works best for your child!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Coping Skills Reminder Sign

We are taking a break from the social skills series to talk about making a visual reminder to use coping skills (or calming techniques/coping strategies/calming strategies/calm down strategies – whatever you want to call them!).

In my work as a therapist working with children, using signs as visual reminders is SO incredibly helpful. Even if a child knows dozens of ways to calm down and can successfully demonstrate those skills when they are calm, it doesn’t guarantee they’ll use them while upset. It can be amazingly difficult to use a coping skill when we are overwhelmed and emotionally flooded. It is near impossible to just stop feeling for a few seconds and think to yourself, “oh yeah, I need to do something to calm down.” Talking about Body Signals can help (for a review click here) and making a sign can help!

In my opinion, a reminder sign for a child will be more meaningful if they have a part in creating it. If they’ve had some influence into the reminder sign, they’re more likely to be receptive to using it. This also means that they get to pick what coping skills they like best, and that work best for them.

When making the reminder sign, the goal is to add pictures that represent coping skills. As a therapist, when I make reminder signs with kids, we do it on the computer using Excel and I help children safely google fun images that represent coping skills. One of my favorites for “taking deep breaths” is a picture of a whale that says “take a deep breath!” When we find a good image, we insert those images into the excel sheet (anywhere from 4-10 images), then print a copy or two, and I sent it home with the child.

Here’s an example of a calming/coping skills reminder sign. The coping skills represented include counting, drawing, hot cocoa breath, reading, and dancing. I do not own the rights to these images, thus will not offer a download of this sign. Remember – it’s more meaningful if your child helps create it and pick out the coping skills/images for themselves.

If you’d like to print a blank template like the one above, you can here. Then you can print pictures, cut them, and glue them to the paper.

We’re pretty limited on time and resources in a therapy session, but your child could do so much more with this sign. They could find pictures in a magazine to cut and glue on it. They could write “Mary’s Coping Skills” in glitter glue across the top. If your child is artistically gifted, they could draw all the pictures representing coping skills. You could even take pictures of your child doing each coping skills, print them, and glue them onto the sign. There really aren’t any rules other than the pictures represent a coping/calming skill.

If you need some help on what coping/calming skills to include, you can find several lists online. Just google “coping skills for kids.” Looks like my next blog post will be a list of coping skills for children – I’ll add it soon and link it here! One of my favorites is hot chocolate/cocoa breathing – little kids LOVE it.

I’d love to hear the creative ways your kiddo made their own sign – please share in the comments!!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Standing Up For Yourself

The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Standing Up For Yourself. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

I haven’t found “Standing Up For Yourself” or “Being Assertive” on many social skills lists, but I believe this is an important one. This is also near and dear to my heart, as my soft-spoken, mild-mannered kiddo struggles to be assertive and stand up for herself.

Some may disagree, but I think ideally, we wouldn’t necessarily need to stand up for ourselves. Wouldn’t it be nice it no one ever cut in line? Or if everyone would include and share without needing an assertive prompt? It would be nice if everyone gave good body space all the time, or if nobody every touched our things without asking. Wouldn’t that be awesome? Maybe this is ideal, but it definitely isn’t realistic. I’ve seen other kids cut in line in front of my girl, who was waiting patiently for her turn. I’ve seen other kids come and grab one of her toys without asking. As an adult, I’ve had other adults cut in front of me in line at the grocery store. Just this week, I was standing watching my daughter’s dance class and stepped away for 15 seconds to remind my girl to change her shoes. In that 15 seconds, another mom stepped into my place, so I was unable to watch any more.

When this type of stuff happens, do we HAVE to say something. Absolutely not. We have to pick and choose our battles. Honestly, this is a social skill I struggle with! I loathe confrontation and find it difficult to be assertive (now we all know where my daughters gets it…). Standing up yourself can be hard! But when we decide it’s important, it’s good to have the skill and confidence to assertively stand up for ourselves.

Why is standing up for yourself important? It builds confidence and can boost your self-esteem. It also helps build respect for yourself, and for others. It can also decrease the likelihood of people testing their limits with you (if they know you’re going to be assertive when they cut in front of you, they are likely to stop doing so).

For practicing standing up for yourself and being assertive, role-play is going to, once again, be your best option. Kids learn well by doing. Here’s some scenarios you can practice.

  • Have your child pretend they are in line for something (water fountain, bathroom, lunch line, etc.) and you can pretend to be a peer that cuts in line ahead of them. Have your child practice saying (with a strong voice) something like, “no thank you, please go to the back of the line” or “no thank you, I was in line before you.”
  • Have your child sit at the table or on the floor and play with some toys (legos, action figures, etc.). You can then walk up and take one without asking. Have your child practice saying (again, strong voice) something like, “no thank you, wait your turn please” or “no thank you, I do not want to share right now.”
  • Have your child sit or stand anywhere, then come up and sit or stand RIGHT next to them – invading their body space. Have your child practice saying (strong voice) something like, “body space please” or “please give me space.”
  • Have your child sit or stand, then walk up and call them a name (I don’t like to use “real” bad names, I like to use funny labels, like “fluffernutter” or something that isn’t actually mean). Have you child practice saying (strong voice) something like, “please don’t call me that” or “I don’t like when you do that,” or “no thank you, my name is _____.”

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Can you think of other situations to practice? If so, please share in the comments!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Sharing

The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Sharing. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

Sharing is not fun for kids. Just about every kid I’ve known or worked with struggles to share. Adults struggle to share too. Why? When we like something, we want it for ourselves and we don’t want to have to wait and watch while someone else uses it. My daughter loves to play dolls with others, but she almost never lets someone else play with her favorites. Another example, if I’m being transparent, is that I do not like to share my chocolate (that I bought just for me) with others. I still share, but it is hard!

Should we be forcing children to share? That’s difficult and there are many who would say “yes,” and many who would say “no.” I’m of the opinion that we should encourage sharing, but not force it. If you disagree with me, that’s okay. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and, honestly, I can see benefits of both sides. Whether or not you think sharing should be forced, it’s important to talk about sharing, provide rationales, and practice.

What are rationales for sharing? One of the most motivating rationales is that if you share with others, they are more likely to share with you. Another rationale is that others are more likely to want to be your friend if you share with them. A third rationale is that it usually helps others feel happy when we share.

A great way to introduce social skills to kiddos is with a book. I love the Berenstain Bears series (have since I was a child!) and The Berenstain Bears Learn to Share is a great way to introduce sharing. Click here for more information (I make no money off sharing this with you). I’ve seen this being read aloud on YouTube as well, so you can search for it there and let your kids watch/listen.

You can practice sharing with just about any fun game, toy, or object. You can practice sharing a single set of crayons/markers, and ask if your kiddo will share specific colors with you. While playing with dolls, you can ask your child to share their preferred doll, by letting you play with it for a few minutes. You can also share snacks, by giving your child a snack, then asking them to share half. Practice sharing play dough, practice sharing a fork at lunch time, practice sharing a ball while playing outside, practice sharing legos, practice sharing a tablet, practice sharing a paintbrush, practice sharing a kite… there are lots of options!

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Drop a comment with any other fun ideas for practicing this important social skill!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Respecting Personal Space

The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Respecting Personal Space. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

Let’s admit it… most kids are not great with respecting others’ personal space. My daughter sometimes tries to kiss her friends on the lips when saying “goodbye”! I have also had kids that I hardly know, come up to me at the park and sit on my lap or hold my hand. And have you seen how closely some kids stand in line next to other kids? I’ve seen kids with noses right up against the backs of the person in front of them.

Most kiddos don’t seem to mind having other kids up right next to them, but eventually they will need to learn how to give appropriate body space. Can you imagine if I stood an inch behind the person in front of me at the grocery store checkout line? Or if an adult walks up to a stranger adult at the park and tried to hold their hand? Honestly, thinking about it makes me laugh and I think someone out there should do some sort of social experiment… or likely someone already has (if you know about one, link it in the comments for me for entertainment purposes!).

So why is it important to respect others’ personal space? For one… germs. It’s easier to spread germs to others when you’re standing or sitting right up next to them. The kids I know don’t really care about germs, so another rationale is that it will be easier to make and keep friends if you can respect others’ space. Some kids really don’t like others being close to them, so will be “turned off” by someone who invades their space. Others will be more comfortable around you if you respect their personal space.

A great way to introduce social skills to kiddos is with a book. Julia Cook has an amazing book called Personal Space Camp (click here for more information) that introducing this social skill. It’s a super fun, entertaining book for kids.

You can decide how much “space” your child should give others. I’ve heard some parents explain that kids should pretend they have a hula hoop around them, and make sure they stay far enough away that others’ aren’t inside that hula hoop space. I usually just say to keep an arms length away from others. For a fun way to illustrate this, you can have your kiddo put their arms out, then spin around slowly in a circle.

To practice personal space, you can either do some role-play, or use inanimate objects to practice. You can pick different social situations (waiting in line at the slide, walking through hallways, sitting in a circle, dance party, etc.) and practice giving appropriate personal space for those situations – either with yourself or with stuffed animals/dolls/action figures. You can practice asking for “more body space please” when the person (or stuffed animals) you are practicing with stands too closely to you.

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun!
  • If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Drop a comment with any other fun ideas for practicing this important social skill!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Greeting Others

The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Greeting Others. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

Lately, I’ve seen many “jokes” about how the younger generations aren’t learning how to interact face-to-face, because they spend so much time on devices. I say “joke” in quotation marks, because it may be a little humorous, but it’s also really sad. Devices aren’t going away any time soon, but I truly believe that we can find balance – we can be on devices AND also know how to appropriately interact with others. One such interaction is Greeting Others.

There are many great rationales for why it’s important to greet others appropriately. For one, it’s a great way to make a first impression! If you can maintain eye contact, smile, and greet someone politely while speaking clearly, you’re likely to make a good impression on the person you’re greeting. It’s a good first step towards making a new friend, a new connection, or landing a new job. Greeting others helps us connect to those around us. It also shows that you care, and can brighten someone’s day.

With social skills, it can be helpful to break the skill down into steps. You can personalize these, but here’s an example of a set of steps for greeting others:

  • Look at the person
  • Smile
  • Say a greeting (e.g. “good morning” or “hello”)

It’s very common for kids to struggle with maintaining eye contact or a hard time speaking clearly. Or both! It doesn’t mean anything is “wrong,” it just means they need some practice.

Practicing the skill of greeting others typically involves role playing. The phrase “role playing” usually makes me roll my eyes and want to run away, but when doing this with kids, it can be so fun!

  • You can put on different shirts/hats/accessories and pretend to be other people to practice greeting each other.
  • You can use different voices/accents to practice greeting each other.
  • (or combine the first two for LOADS of fun)
  • You can also practice this with dolls or stuffed animals – pretend they are greeting each other.
  • It’s also a lot of fun (and super silly) to practice the WRONG way to greet each other – running away, closing your eyes, yelling, whispering, saying “bad morning,” etc. Kids get a kick out of this. Just make sure you follow up with practicing the “right” way.

Remember to praise and reward (optional) your child when they are successful! You want to praise every time they make it through the steps to greeting others. If they aren’t successful with all steps, praise them for the ones they got right, and give feedback on the one they didn’t (this would sound like, “Wow! You did a great job of making eye contact and smiling. Let’s try it again and can you speak a little louder this time?).

If you want to, you can use any reward – my recommendation would be to use a reward for a certain number of successes. Such as, five successful times of greeting earns a reward. You can even give a sticker for each success, then give a reward when they earn a certain number of stickers. Five stickers may equal ten extra minutes of tv time (or any other reward you want to use).

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child!
  • Try to make it fun! If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Drop a comment with any other fun ideas for practicing this important social skill!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Positive Consequences vs. Negative Consequences

Did you know that there are BOTH positive consequences AND negative consequences? I’m going to guess that you may not have known this. No shame – I had no idea until my extra training in behavior modification! This is similar to the concept of reinforcement, which can be both positive and negative (if you’re interested, you can read about that here).

Most people hear the word “consequence” and think “punishment.” This CAN be true, but consequence doesn’t always equal a form of punishment. A consequence (more specifically, a negative consequence) can be a punishment, but consequences can also be positive too!

It’s really no wonder that most people think consequences are always bad. How many times have you heard someone say, “there will be consequences” (or something similar) in a menacing way? Or how many times have you made a “Pros and Cons list”? Both of these use of the word “consequence” can depict consequences as being only bad things.

So what is a consequence? A consequence is what happens as a result of something else. Or, according to Dictionary.com, a consequence is the effect, result, or outcome of something occurring earlier. With this definition, consequence can be positive or negative. And to make matters even more complicated, whether it’s positive or negative can be subjective. A consequence of a thunderstorm is that the baseball game is cancelled. To the players, this may be a negative consequence. But to a tired mama who has to sit and watch her son play while also keeping track of his two younger siblings, this may more of a positive consequence.

For my own purposes as a therapist, and for the purposes of parenting, I think of “positive consequences” as praise and rewards, and negative consequences as any sort of “punishment.” This may not be technically correct, but for the purposes of parenting, it works. Again, if you want to get a little more technical, you can read Crash Course on Reinforcement (Positive and Negative).

Examples of negative consequences include loss of privileges, re-do, extra chores, time-out/ignoring/removing attention, or really any activity that your child doesn’t enjoy. Some parents make their children write out sentences about their behavior. Some parents make their children do jumping jacks or pushups. Or do something kind for a sibling. In my house, negative consequences include re-dos and loss of privileges. Different children respond differently to different negative consequences, so sometimes it’s a little trial-and-error to figure out what works best. Click here for tips on how to make negative consequences more effective.

Examples of positive consequences include praise, positive physical touch (high-gives, pats on the back) time-in/giving attention, and any sort of reward – whether it’s a special treat, extra tablet time, a special activity, etc. In my house, positive consequences frequently used include praise, positive physical touch, stickers, and small toys as rewards. Praise is such an under-estimated and under-used positive consequence. Click here for tips on making praise more effective.

To wrap up, remember that consequences can be both positive AND negative. While people tend to lean naturally towards using one or the other (I tend to lean towards using positive consequences more frequently, while my husband tends to lean more towards negative consequences), it’s usually good to have a nice balance of both. However, you’re the expert on your child; you know how they respond and can see for yourself what mix of consequences is motivating for them.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 1 Comment

Crash Course on Reinforcement (Positive and Negative)

I’m taking a break from the Social Skills Series to write about Reinforcement. My post Crash Course on the Four Functions of Behavior is one of my most popular. What this tells me, is that people are actually interested in these terms/theories, and looking for more information. So if you are looking for more information on what Reinforcement is, this post is for you.

So what is Reinforcement? Reinforcement is anything that makes it MORE likely for a behavior to happen. Or, if you prefer dictionary definitions, Merriam-Webster says that Reinforcement is, “the action of strengthening or encouraging something.” In the behavior modification world, the “thing” you are trying to strengthen or encourage is positive behaviors. Check out the chart below (AND/OR download it here) – in this post we’re focusing on the top two boxes – positive and negative reinforcement. As you can see, you are either taking something (unpleasant) away or giving something pleasant in order to make the behavior more likely to happen.

There are a multitude of actions/things that can be used as Reinforcement. Reinforcement can be negative OR positive, and this is where it gets a little tricky. “Negative” in “negative reinforcement” doesn’t mean that it’s a punishment. Both negative and positive reinforcement are “good” things that make a behavior more likely to occur. They are both reinforcing. Let me say it again:

Both positive reinforcement AND negative reinforcement are “good” – BOTH make a behavior more likely to occur again.

Positive Reinforcement is usually easier to understand because it’s giving something good to make it likely the good behavior will reoccur. Think praise, rewards, and positive attention. My child does something “good” that I want them to do again (like cleaning up her socks off the floor, so I give her an extra cookie. Or she is kind to a friend, so I tell her what a great job she did. Or she says “okay” with no whining when I say it’s time to turn off the tv, so I give her 5 minutes of tablet time. Or she gets ready for bed without a fuss, so I read an extra book with her before bed. All of these are examples of positive reinforcement. You get something good for doing something good, which makes it more likely you’ll keep doing something good.

So what does the “negative” in Negative Reinforcement mean? It means you’re taking away something considered “bad” or unpleasant to make the positive behavior more likely to occur again. The most popular example of this is the alarm for seatbelts. In cars, it’s pretty common for an alarm to ding if you don’t put your seat belt on. That ding is pretty obnoxious. Once you put your seatbelt on, the dinging stops. This is negative reinforcement. You’re taking away something unpleasant (the dinging) to reinforce positive behavior (putting on the seatbelt). You get something unpleasant removed for doing something good, which makes it more likely you’ll keep doing something good.

Here’s an example of how both negative and positive reinforcement may be used to reinforce a good behavior. Let’s say your child doesn’t like carrots and typically whines about them, but today they ate all their carrots without any whining or fussing.

In this scenario, you have the option of giving something good (positive reinforcement) or taking away something “bad” (negative reinforcement) to make it more likely your child will eat their carrots without a fuss next time.

Unfortunately, I think negative reinforcement may be used to reinforce negative/bad/undesired behavior more often than it is to reinforce positive behavior. If you give your child a food they don’t like, then take it away when they whine/scream/complain/yell… that’s negative reinforcement. You are taking away something unpleasant (the yucky food), which reinforces the negative behavior (whining/screaming/complaining/yelling). If you tell your child it’s time to help with a chore, then change your mind when they throw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming… that’s negative reinforcement. You took away the unpleasant chore, which reinforced the “tantrum” behavior.

Let’s revisit our carrot scenario to see how positive and negative reinforcement would be used to actually make the negative behavior more likely. This time, let’s say your kiddo sees the carrots on their plate and yells “you know I don’t like carrots, mom! I’m NOT eating these.” Here’s how you might reinforce his yelling with positive and negative reinforcement:

Offer a cookie instead = give something good = positive reinforcement.

Take away carrots = taking away something unpleasant = negative reinforcement.

In this case, both positive reinforcement and negative reinforcement will make it more likely that your child yells at you again – and more likely that they won’t eat their carrots.

The two carrot examples above are also examples of how you can use positive reinforcement AND negative reinforcement at the same time. In the first example, giving a cookie as a reward will be reinforcing. Or letting your child off the hook for cleaning their dishes will be reinforcing. You can use one of these, or you can use both. Using them together will make the behavior even more likely – the reinforcement will be even stronger.

And that’s a wrap on positive and negative reinforcement. The most important thing to remember is this: Both positive reinforcement AND negative reinforcement are “good” – BOTH make a behavior more likely to occur again.

As always, I’d love to read your comments and questions – drop them below!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

Hot Chocolate Breathing (A Calming Skill)

Who loves hot chocolate/cocoa? I do! So yummy, especially in the winter after we’ve been building snowmen or shoveling. Most kids I know LOVE hot chocolate, so Hot Chocolate Breathing is such a FUN way to calm down. It’s not uncommon for kids to be resistant to using calming skills when prompted, but when you make them fun, usually kids are more willing.

So what is hot chocolate breathing? It’s pretending to have a mug of hot chocolate in your hands, blowing on it because it’s too hot, then sipping it. It’s a way to get kids to take some deep breathes to calm down.

This is what I would say to engage a child in hot chocolate breathing:

“Put your hands out in front of you like you’re holding a mug, and pretend that mug is full of hot chocolate. Pretend you can see the steam coming off the mug, so you know it must be very, very hot. Let’s blow on it to try to cool it down. Take a big breathe, then slowly blow on your hot chocolate. Not too fast – you don’t want to spill! Okay, good, let’s do it again. Big breath in, then slowly blow out on your hot chocolate. Okay, let’s try a sip… wow! Still too hot! Let’s do two more big breaths to try to cool it down. Okay, let’s try it okay. Mmmmm… this is perfect, and so yummy.”

You can also make it more fun by adding marshmallows… before you take deep breathes, you could say, “I like marshmallows in my hot chocolate. How many marshmallows should we put in today? 12? Sounds good! Let’s pretend our marshmallows are here on the side. Let’s pick them up one at a time and count them until we get to 12.”

Adding the marshmallows can make this calming skill even more effective because you’re combining counting (another great calming skill) with deep breaths.

Some tips for getting kids to learn and use calming skills:

  • Teach calming skills when your kids are calm. It’s not very beneficial to try to teach your child a new calming skill when they’re escalated.
  • It’s usually best to do this WITH your child. Rather than say, “go do your hot chocolate breathing,” say instead, “let’s do your hot chocolate breathing together.” This makes it much more likely that your child will comply with the prompt.
  • Praise your child for using coping skills – both prompted and unprompted! This makes it much more likely that they will continue to use them.

I’m excited to hear how you’ve used this with children, and any modifications you’ve added (like counting marshmallows). Let me know with a comment!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.