khumbard87

Posted on February 16, 2018February 16, 2018 by khumbard87

What To Do When Your Child Is Sent Home From School For Negative Behavior

Most parents think their child would never do anything bad enough at school to get sent home, but it happens. Kids have rough days too. You may not be overly concerned if it’s a one-time occurrence, but unfortunately, it can snowball fairly quickly. Why? Because most kids would rather be at home than at school!

I don’t want to bash schools – I know their options are fairly limited, but oftentimes sending a child home for negative behavior can turn a small problem into a big one. Let’s look at what can (not always!) happen when a child is sent home from school for negative behavior. The child learns that they can go home as long as they do something “bad” enough at school – being sent home is a reward. So the child will continue acting up so that he/she can be sent home. Then, once the school starts developing a behavior plan (IEP) in an attempt to try other interventions and prevent the child from being sent home, it’s too late! Now the child will do whatever it takes to be sent home, even if it means resorting to behaviors more severe than when they first got sent home (this is called extinction burst).

Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of things that parents can do about school behavior and the school’s response. Parents can use rewards and negative consequence (click here for tips on how to do so). Parents can also do their part to reduce the likelihood that being sent home is reinforcing for a child. So what do you need to do in order to make sure going home isn’t like a reward?

Make sure your child doesn’t get a free pass to have fun the rest of the day. Don’t let them spend the whole day in their room playing with their favorite toys. Don’t take them on fun errands or to the park. Make sure that they’re doing something that they don’t necessarily like during the time they’re supposed to be in school. Let me be clear… I don’t mean stick your kiddo in a corner for 5 hours. But consider having your child do some chores or do school work (or print out some academic worksheets).
Make sure you’re not giving your child an excessive amount of attention for what happened (remember that bad attention can still be reinforcing). Sure, you’re probably going to talk to your child about what happened and what a better choice would’ve been. Here’s what you don’t want to happen… your child gets attention from you as you discuss the situation the entire way home, then more attention when you call his grandparent and tell them what happened, then even more attention while hearing you talk to your spouse when they get home from work, and then they get even more attention when their other parent comes to talk to them about what happened. Cut that attention down as much as you can if you have a child who thrives on being the center of attention (give them that attention when they do something well instead!).

Posted on February 12, 2018February 12, 2018 by khumbard87

Five Different Counting Strategies for Emotion Regulation

One of the more common calming strategies discussed in therapy is counting. The idea behind many counting strategies is that the brain cannot think about two things at one time. So if someone is thinking about counting, they cannot be thinking about how angry they are. It disrupts the thought process, which can make it a lot easier to calm down.

Since the same calming strategies don’t work for everyone, it can be beneficial to try out different strategies to see what works for your child (or you!). Here are 5 different counting strategies to try:

Regular counting – this is what most people think of when they think of “counting.” You start with 1 and count up to a specific number. For younger kiddos, counting to ten might be challenging enough to do the trick, but older kiddos may need to count to a higher number to sufficiently distract themselves and calm down.
Counting backward – start with a specific number and count down to 1 (or 0). This can require a little more effort and concentration than regular counting.
Counting objects – this combines counting with making lists. Pick something to list/name as you count. I’ve had kiddos count and name dinosaur types after each number. I’ve also had kiddos count Disney princesses, pizza toppings, and types of trains. This would sound like, “one Cinderella, two Sleeping Beauty, three Snow White, 4 Tiana, etc.).
Counting by a number (3s, 4s, 8s, etc.) – count by multiples of a certain number as high as you can.
Counting in a second language – if your kiddo knows another language, you could have them count in another language.

These are all great counting strategies for kids to know and try. The more “tools” a child has to calm down, the better!

Posted on February 9, 2018February 10, 2018 by khumbard87

Inside Out Behavior Charts

With all the other Inside Out worksheets and all the other behavior charts I’ve done, I cannot believe I haven’t done an Inside Out behavior chart/contract… so here it is!

Behavior Contracts can be a really useful tool for caregivers to use when trying to increase or decrease a behavior. Some benefits include:

Behavior contracts help caregivers and children keep track of the behavior and the reward.
Kids can get involved in filling it out as the day goes by – this is motivating for them!
You can modify them as time goes on by changing the reward or making it a little harder to earn the reward.
Well-written behavior contracts have very specific expectations, so there’s no question as to whether a child earned the reward or not.

I have created three different Inside Out behavior charts for parents to use. They are fill-in-the-blank so that you can insert your child’s name, specify what the goal behavior is, and specify a reward.

You also get to specify the length of time to complete the chart – so you may decide that your child has 3 opportunities over the course of a day. Or you may decide they have one opportunity per day, so you’d use the 5-character chart over the course of a work week. These can also be used as chore charts – you’d just write chores in instead of a behavior.

Some tips:

Try to use proactive language. Instead of “Krista will not swear,” use “Krista will use nice words all day.” Or instead of “Krista will not run,” use “Krista will walk” or “Krista will use walking feet.”
BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE
Pre-teach the contract to your child to make sure they understand it.

3-character Inside Out Behavior Chart (click here to print):

4-character Inside Out Behavior Chart (click here to print):

5-character Inside Out Behavior Chart (click here to print):

Posted on February 9, 2018February 9, 2018 by khumbard87

What I Can/Can’t Control Worksheet

It is extremely common to hear children “blame” others for their behavior. I’ve worked with kiddos who instantly argue with “but he did it first” when they are corrected for misbehavior. They might be right… maybe a peer did initiate, but that doesn’t mean the child has to do the same (or retaliate). It can take a lot of discussion to get a kiddo to acknowledge that they only have control of their own bodies and that they can choose to make good choices regardless of what others are doing around them.

The worksheet below is to help kiddos identify things that are within their control and things that are not within their control. I typed “to help kiddos,” but guess what? I’ve met my fair share of adults that would benefit from thinking about this as well!

What I Can/Can’t Control Worksheet (click here to print):

Posted on February 6, 2018 by khumbard87

Using a Diagnosis as a Crutch

It is incredibly easy to fall into the habit of making excuses for our children’s behavior (and our own)! My daughter is only 11 months old and I already find myself doing it. I’ve said, “she’s teething, so she’s a little grumpy,” when she’s whiny at the grocery store. I’ve said, “she didn’t sleep well last night,” when she has a cry-fest in the church nursery. When we look at the root of it, I think parents make excuses because they don’t want to be judged for having a not-perfect child. But guess what? Nobody is perfect, especially children!

I can’t speak from experience, but I would think that this pressure is increased exponentially if you have a child who has a mental health diagnosis (think Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc). These are some of the children who are most likely to “act up,” leaving their parents with ample opportunity to feel judged by others. So I’m sure it’s easy to throw out “he has Autism” or “she has ADHD” to justify a kiddo’s behavior. Sometimes, that might be appropriate, so I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ever make excuses for your child. However, I think it’s a slippery slope and consistently excusing behavior could turn into both parents and their children using a diagnosis as a crutch.

Yes, your child’s diagnosis might (depending on what it is) make it more difficult (and sometimes near impossible) for them to do certain things. I’m not talking about holding a child with ADHD to the exact same standards as every other child in the classroom. A child with ADHD will have more difficulty staying focused on a task and controlling impulses. But that doesn’t mean they can’t meet certain expectations. When you consistently use their diagnosis as an excuse, a few things can happen over time:

You might throw all expectations of reasonable behavior out the window and just let your child get away with everything. This will likely create havoc in your home, the child’s classroom, and possibly your marriage/relationship. Here’s the thing: I don’t think anyone just wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “I’m just going to have zero expectations and let my child do what they want.” It happens slowly over time, but (again) it’s a slippery slope when you start excusing behaviors because of a mental health diagnosis.
Your child might pick up on what you’re doing and start using their diagnosis as an excuse to justify their own behavior. They may start to think that they can get away with everything because they can blame it on their mental health.

I have a sister with a mental health diagnosis (well, actually, it’s more like 3 or 4 diagnoses) and she uses these diagnoses as a crutch. It is incredibly frustrating because she uses her mental health as an excuse for many terrible behaviors, like being rude and disrespectful to family members. Don’t get me wrong, I know that her diagnoses make it more difficult for her to regulate her emotions and more difficult for her to control her impulses, but at this point, it seems as if she has stopped trying and just blames everything on her mental health issues.

I have talked to numerous parents who let their child get away with negative behavior because of a diagnosis they have received. With my own sister, I’ve seen how difficult it can be to determine where to draw the line… what is she capable of doing and what is she not capable of doing? Even though it’s hard to know what the limit is, the worst thing would be to just stop trying and use her diagnoses as a crutch. Sometimes it takes a little bit of trial and error to figure out what the expectations should be. Sometimes you might need help from an unbiased party (teacher, school psychologist, therapist, pediatrician, etc.) to find out where to draw that line. Sometimes the process of that trial and error can be incredibly frustrating. But it’s necessary. And it’s worth it.

Posted on February 6, 2018February 9, 2018 by khumbard87

Inside Out Situation/Feeling Matching Worksheets

I know I’ve said it before, but Inside Out is such a great tool for teaching and practicing feelings identification with kiddos. It’s a great way to get some serious learning done, but the movie characters are fun and make it more bearable for children. Feelings identification can seem really simple to adults, but lots of children need help in order to be successful identifying how they feel. Ultimately, the goal is to get them to then be able to regulate those emotions, but we have to start with being able to identify them first.

Below you can find two different worksheets which allow children to match situations to the appropriate feeling(s) that someone would feel in that situation. Each worksheet has 12 different scenarios. Some may trigger a few different feelings in children. For example, there are a few situations which may make a child feel both sad and mad. Additionally, one child might identify a feeling different from another. For example, one child might be happy that it’s raining (maybe a kiddo who likes to jump in mud puddles) while another might feel sad that it’s raining.

I encourage any caregivers using these worksheets to be open-minded when going over this with a child. If a child identifies a feeling that doesn’t seem to make sense to you at first, let them talk about it instead of immediately telling them they’re wrong. Sometimes I’ve been surprised by a child’s perspective of a situation. The different situations provide plenty of prompts to talk about feelings. If a child doesn’t seem to be grasping a situation, it can also be helpful to role-play it and have them try to identify a feeling during the role-play.

Inside Out Matching Worksheet 1 (click link to print):

Inside Out Matching Worksheet 2 (click link to print):

Posted on February 4, 2018February 4, 2018 by khumbard87

Moana Behavior Contracts

I finally got around to making some Moana behavior contracts… YOU’RE WELCOME. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. 🙂

Behavior Contracts can be a really useful tool for caregivers to use when trying to increase or decrease a behavior. Some benefits include:

Behavior contracts help caregivers and children keep track of the behavior and the reward.
Kids can get involved in filling it out as the day goes by – this is motivating for them!
You can modify them as time goes on by changing the reward or making it a little harder to earn the reward.
Well-written behavior contracts have very specific expectations, so there’s no question as to whether a child earned the reward or not.

I have created three different Moana behavior contracts for parents to use. They are fill-in-the-blank so that you can insert your child’s name, specify what the goal behavior is, and specify a reward.

Some tips:

Try to use proactive language. Instead of “Krista will not swear,” use “Krista will use nice words all day.” Or instead of “Krista will not run,” use “Krista will walk” or “Krista will use walking feet.”
BE AS SPECIFIC AS POSSIBLE
Pre-teach the contract to your child to make sure they understand it.

For a 3-character Moana behavior chart, click here.

For a 4-character Moana behavior chart, click here.

For a 5-character Moana behavior chart, click here.

Posted on January 31, 2018February 21, 2018 by khumbard87

The Power of Natural Consequences

Talking about and using rewards and consequences is such a big part of my job, and for good reason! Consequences and rewards are some of the best ways to motivate a change in behavior. However, consequences aren’t always “handed out” by parents, sometimes they just happen… and it’s called a natural consequence. A natural consequence is something that “naturally” happens as a result of someone’s behavior. And I said “someone” rather than specifying children because, guess what?! Natural consequences happen to adults too.

A few “adult” examples:

I forgot to take my trash out last week. The natural consequence? My garage smells because I have week-old diaper trash that has to wait to go out.
I chose not to workout for a month. The natural consequence? Well, there are a few, but for starters I gained a few pounds.
I forget to take my umbrella to work on a rainy day. The natural consequence? I got wet on my walk to the car after work.

What these consequences have in common is that nobody else interfered or made them happen… they happened naturally as a result of what I did.

So now for a few “kid” examples:

My child chooses to run through the house (despite a “no running” rule) and falls down – that’s a natural consequence.
My child refuses to eat what I’ve made for lunch The natural consequence? They’re probably going to be hungry while waiting for their next meal/snack.
My child refuses to brush their teeth and gets a cavity.
My kiddo doesn’t clean their room and it starts to smell.
My child doesn’t pick up their dirty clothes, so they don’t get washed and he doesn’t have clean clothes to wear to school.

Natural consequences can be really powerful, depending on the situation and the person. So many times children see their parents as “bad guys” for “giving” them a consequence, but with a natural consequence, the parent has nothing to do with it. Instead, the consequence is what naturally happened as a result of what the child did (or didn’t) do. Because of this, many kids feel a bigger sense of responsibility (rather than just blaming mom and dad for the “punishment”) for their actions. And THAT can be very powerful.

When dealing with natural consequences, parents should try very hard not to rescue their child from the consequences (unless they are in danger, of course). If you remind your child to take their umbrella and they forget, don’t make an extra trip to bring it to them. If your child is refusing to pick up their dirty clothes, don’t go do it for them, even though you know they wore their last clean pair of pants to school today. If your child refuses to eat a reasonable meal for lunch and you don’t normally give a snack before dinner, don’t bail them out of their hunger (the natural consequence) by giving an extra snack.

While you don’t want to rescue your kiddo from a natural consequence, it’s still appropriate to comfort them and empathize. But do so in a way that doesn’t take the responsibility away from them and do so in a way that isn’t “rubbing it in.” If you child refuses lunch and is hungry before dinner, avoid saying something like “bet you wish you’d eaten lunch now, huh?” That would be “rubbing it in.” Also avoid saying something like, “hopefully you’ll like what I make for dinner better.” That could send the message that it’s your fault because your kiddo didn’t like their cooking. Instead, trying something like, “it must be uncomfortable to be so hungry after choosing not to eat your lunch.” Then you can possibly remind them how long it is until the next meal and suggest they find something to do to distract from their hunger.

One last point is to consider whether or not you would like the natural consequence to replace any other consequence your child would normally earn. You can take into account the severity of the natural consequence before deciding if you want to also give out an additional one for the behavior. If your child doesn’t seem phased by the natural consequence, then you might want to consider using one for their negative behavior. However, if they are really affected by the natural consequence, you might decide that’s enough of a deterrent. There’s really no wrong or right answer here, so just use your best judgment.

Natural consequences can be really inconvenient and frustrating, but sometimes they really “do the trick” in motivating kids (and adults!) to change their behavior.

Posted on January 29, 2018 by khumbard87

Bribe vs. Reward: What’s the Difference and What’s Better in the Long-Run for You and Your Kids

So many times I hear parents talk about giving their kids a “reward,” when really what they’re doing is bribing. So what’s the difference? A reward is contingent on a specific behavior having already happened – the behavior happens before they get the reward. A bribe is given either before the child has a chance to earn it, or is given to stop a behavior (while it’s happening). To break it down into simpler terms, a reward is given after a child does something good. A bribe is given before a child does something good, or used in-the-moment to stop them from doing something bad.

Some examples of rewards:

A child gets all A’s in their school subjects and is rewarded with a pizza party at the end of the school year.
A child gets to pick a piece of candy in the checkout line at the grocery store because they stayed next to mom and stayed quiet throughout the store.

And some examples of bribes:

“If I give you a cookie, will you be good at the store?”
“If you stop screaming right now, I’ll let you pick out a candy bar.”

So what works best for improving behavior? A bribe rarely works consistently. In the first example, where the child is given cookie as a bribe for behaving at the store, whether or not the kid behaves doesn’t affect his chance of getting the cookie… because he already got it. So it’s not likely that he/she will be motivated to behave at the store.

A bribe given to stop in-the-moment bad behavior can sometimes be effective short-term. Many children will stop what they’re doing if promised a candy bar or some other item. However, if you think about it, the child is indirectly being rewarded for the bad behavior… that was what prompted the use of the promised item. Also, some kids (because they’re smart little cookies!) will pick up on this and will then intentionally engage in the negative behavior, so that they will be offered an item to stop.

A reward is your best option, both for short-term and long-term improvements in behavior. It motivates your child to behave how you want them to because they have to do so before they get a reward. One of the arguments I hear from parents about using rewards is that they don’t want to have to give their child a reward for something forever. BUT with use of proper fading (decreasing how often a reward is given), you won’t have to reward them forever.

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Krista H Counseling

Author: khumbard87