Did you ever watch Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? It might still be running, but I remember watching it years ago, and seeing how contestants were able to “phone a friend” when they needed help.

In CBT, there’s a common question that’s similar to “phone a friend.” (But no, you’re probably not going to be able to use this strategy to win a million dollars.) First, if you need a refresher on CBT, go find out more about it: Crash Course on CBT and the Cognitive Triangle.

When confronted with negative thoughts that are making you feel miserable (e.g., worried, sad, angry), it can be really helpful to ask, “what would I tell a friend in this situation.” Pretend your friend just pushed the “phone a friend” button and called to ask your advice for what to do in a given situation or with a negative thought. And pretend that situation or negative thought is what YOU’VE been going through.

For example, if I’m heading into an IEP meeting at my child’s school, I might be thinking a thought similar to, “the school isn’t going to listen to what I have to say or do what’s helpful for my child.” This thought is bound to make me feel hopeless, sad, or frustrated… and the meeting hasn’t even started!

So use the “what would I tell a friend?” strategy. Pretend a friend just called you, and said, “Krista, I’m really struggling. I’m headed to JJ’s IEP meeting and I’m worried the school isn’t going to listen to what I have to say, and that they aren’t going to do anything to help him.” Can you imagine your friend calling you to tell you all of that, and you respond, “yeah, you’re probably right. Maybe it’s best just not to go; just don’t even try.” Can you imagine?! Most people are not going to respond like that. Nobody I personally know would!

We are typically much, much kinder and encouraging to other people than we are to ourselves. It’s usually much easier to think of what advice/encouragement we would give to someone else who is in our situation. A few options:

• “I’m so sorry you’re feeling worried about this. I’m sure it won’t be as bad as you’re thinking it will be.”
• “I don’t think that’s going to happen! The teachers have been so great, I’m sure they’ll continue doing what’s best for JJ.”
• “Even if they tried to do that, you’ve done so well for advocating for JJ! You can do it!”
• “That’s stressful! Would it help to make some notes to take with you? Would it help to talk through your thoughts with me before you go to practice what you want to say?”

The great thing about this is that there is not just one right answer. If it’s true and helpful (meaning it causes positive emotions), then it’s “right.” When asked what you would tell a friend, a funny thing happens… typically we give encouragement/advice that we most need to hear. So if you use this strategy, you’ll like be able to say something that will be incredibly helpful for you.

Then what? Repeat it to yourself, often and with confidence! When the negative thought starts to creep in again, remember what you said earlier and replay it in your head.

This tactic is more helpful with some people than it is with others, but a great strategy to try if you’re struggling with negative thoughts that you’re having a hard time getting rid of!

So… in the above situation, what would YOU tell a friend?

Disclaimer: I am a licensed independent mental health practitioner and certified professional counselor, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.