Next up in this Social Skills Series is Apologizing. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

There has been a lot of conflicting views on apologizing lately. Do you force an apology? Do you not? Honestly, I can see both sides. Forcing kids to apologize and recite their apology script doesn’t seem genuine. However, it’s an important skill to learn! Even though it might sound inauthentic, they’re still learning and practicing, which will make it more likely that they will use this skill in the future. My personal and professional opinion is that kids should be taught and prompted to apologize when they do something that causes some kind of harm to others.

Why is apologizing so important? Apologizing is incredibly important in repairing and maintaining relationships. It is inevitable that we will do something that hurts others. Even with the absolute best of intentions, humans do hurtful things to each other… or do things that are perceived in a hurtful way. It happens. Without an apology, it is hard to make a repair to the relationship. To keep relationships healthy, apologies are key. I also think apologies are important for teaching us to take responsibility for our actions, and in validating the feelings of others.

A “trendy” topic lately has been emotional intelligence – you can read about it on the Psychology Today website here. Empathizing with others is one of the skills included in emotional intelligence. Do you have an understanding of how others are feeling, especially after you’ve done something that has hurt them? Can you relate to them?

I think empathizing should be a key factor in apologizing. It takes time, effort, and patience, but I believe it’s important to teach children not only to apologize, but to understand how the person they are apologizing to may be feeling.

What are the steps to apologizing? When teaching any social skill to children, it can be important to practice the steps to successfully completing the skill. Just like any other social skill, these steps can be individualized for your child/family, but here is a simple set of steps for apologizing:

1. Look at the person.
2. Apologize (with empathy if you can!)
3. Ask if there is anything you can do to make it up to them.

That second step isn’t totally straightforward, so you will likely have to provide some examples. They may sound like this:

• “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings and made you wait even longer for the slide after I cut you in line.”
• “I’m sorry I interrupted you. I’m sure that was frustrated when you weren’t able to finish what you were saying.”
• “I’m sorry that I made you feel sad by taking your stuffed animal.”

Like many of the social skills we’ve covered, role play is one of best ways to practice apologizing. I like to role play with dolls – my daughter seems to be much more receptive to that than if I just try to act it out with her. There are all sorts of scenarios you can pretend with.

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

• Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
• Make sure to praise you child!
• Give constructive, positive feedback to help your child get the steps to apologizing down.
• Try to make it fun!
• If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck teaching and practicing peer pressure! I’d love to hear how this went with the child(ren) in your life!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.