Hi all! The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Accepting “No” For An Answer. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

So… accepting “no” for an answer? Talk about a hard skill for kids! Why is it so hard? Because when kids are told “no,” it’s usually in response to something that they want or want to do. It all relates back to the Four Functions of Behavior. Kids want something and when they’re told “no,” they exhibit all sorts of behaviors to try to get what they want. They may cry, whine, argue, ask again (and again and again), yell, hit, scream, etc. (P.S. Adults do this too; the last time you told another adult “no,” did they accept it the first time?)

Yesterday, my husband and I were at the pool with my daughter for almost 3 hours! We take her at least 3 times per week, so she gets to go a lot. When it was time to leave, she asked if we could stay, and I had to tell her “no.” She had a rough time accepting “no” for an answer. She whined and asked me again (twice more) if we could “please” stay. Gotta at least credit her for saying “please!”

You can certainly correct this behavior when you see it, or issue a consequence. I ended up correcting the behavior and providing a rationale about why it’s important to accept “no” (because we’re more likely to want to take her back to the pool if she can say “okay.” I could tell she still wasn’t happy, but she said “okay” and didn’t whine after that.

One important part of teaching/practicing social skills is to be very clear with your children what exactly they need to do to successfully demonstrate that skill. When I hear parents correct behavior, many times I hear them tell their child what NOT to do. “Stop whining.” “Stop arguing.” Especially with young children, it’s important to let them know WHAT TO DO instead. And saying “accept ‘no’ for an answer” isn’t real clear?

You can decide what “steps” you want your child to follow when accepting “no” for an answer. You may just want them to say “okay.” When I worked at a treatment center, the steps were look at the person and say okay with no arguing. You may want them to say “yes, ma’am” instead. Once you decide, teach your children the steps to accepting “no” for an answer, then have them repeat them back to you.

Now it’s time to practice! As with most skills, there are lots of different ways you can practice this with children. Here are a few I’ve used with my own kiddo or as a therapist:

• Practice while playing a board game by having children ask permission for their turn – say “no” sometimes and let them practice staying “okay.”
• When a kiddo asks for a snack, tell them that they must practice accepting “no” by saying “okay” one time before you give them the snack.
• You can have them think of silly questions to ask (“Can I eat 89 cupcakes for breakfast?” or “Can I wear 4 different hats on my head to school?”) then saying “okay” when you tell them “no.” This is a great way to use humor to make practice fun!
• Playing Go Fish is another super easy way to practice accepting “no” for an answer. The only thing you’ll really do differently is make sure the child says “okay” after you answer “no” when asked for a specific card.
• You can also practice while coloring. You can be the “keeper” of the crayons/markers. When the kiddo wants a new color, they must ask nicely and say “okay” when you tell them “no.”
• You can also have them practice accepting “no” by saying “okay” when waiting for an activity. You might draw up a chalk obstacle course, and they have to ask before they start. Or practice accepting “no” before letting them jump into the pool.

There are lots of other ways to practice this. Just think of any activity that you can make your child ask permission, then tell them “no” so they can practice saying “okay.”

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

• Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
• Make sure to praise you child for saying “okay!”
• Kids LOVE IT when they can turn the tables and tell YOU “no.” Sometimes it’s fun to let them do so, and then you get to model how to stay calm and say “okay.”
• To further this practice, you can have kiddos practice staying calm by taking a deep breath before saying “okay.” This reinforces the idea of using calming skills to stay calm.
• Try to make it fun! If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Let me know in the comments what ways you’ve practiced accepting “no” for an answer with the kiddos you love!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.