Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Accepting “No” For An Answer

Hi all! The next social skill in this Social Skills Series is Accepting “No” For An Answer. If you need a reminder on what social skills are and why they’re important, read Social Skills Series: Introduction.

So… accepting “no” for an answer? Talk about a hard skill for kids! Why is it so hard? Because when kids are told “no,” it’s usually in response to something that they want or want to do. It all relates back to the Four Functions of Behavior. Kids want something and when they’re told “no,” they exhibit all sorts of behaviors to try to get what they want. They may cry, whine, argue, ask again (and again and again), yell, hit, scream, etc. (P.S. Adults do this too; the last time you told another adult “no,” did they accept it the first time?)

Yesterday, my husband and I were at the pool with my daughter for almost 3 hours! We take her at least 3 times per week, so she gets to go a lot. When it was time to leave, she asked if we could stay, and I had to tell her “no.” She had a rough time accepting “no” for an answer. She whined and asked me again (twice more) if we could “please” stay. Gotta at least credit her for saying “please!”

You can certainly correct this behavior when you see it, or issue a consequence. I ended up correcting the behavior and providing a rationale about why it’s important to accept “no” (because we’re more likely to want to take her back to the pool if she can say “okay.” I could tell she still wasn’t happy, but she said “okay” and didn’t whine after that.

One important part of teaching/practicing social skills is to be very clear with your children what exactly they need to do to successfully demonstrate that skill. When I hear parents correct behavior, many times I hear them tell their child what NOT to do. “Stop whining.” “Stop arguing.” Especially with young children, it’s important to let them know WHAT TO DO instead. And saying “accept ‘no’ for an answer” isn’t real clear?

You can decide what “steps” you want your child to follow when accepting “no” for an answer. You may just want them to say “okay.” When I worked at a treatment center, the steps were look at the person and say okay with no arguing. You may want them to say “yes, ma’am” instead. Once you decide, teach your children the steps to accepting “no” for an answer, then have them repeat them back to you.

Now it’s time to practice! As with most skills, there are lots of different ways you can practice this with children. Here are a few I’ve used with my own kiddo or as a therapist:

  • Practice while playing a board game by having children ask permission for their turn – say “no” sometimes and let them practice staying “okay.”
  • When a kiddo asks for a snack, tell them that they must practice accepting “no” by saying “okay” one time before you give them the snack.
  • You can have them think of silly questions to ask (“Can I eat 89 cupcakes for breakfast?” or “Can I wear 4 different hats on my head to school?”) then saying “okay” when you tell them “no.” This is a great way to use humor to make practice fun!
  • Playing Go Fish is another super easy way to practice accepting “no” for an answer. The only thing you’ll really do differently is make sure the child says “okay” after you answer “no” when asked for a specific card.
  • You can also practice while coloring. You can be the “keeper” of the crayons/markers. When the kiddo wants a new color, they must ask nicely and say “okay” when you tell them “no.”
  • You can also have them practice accepting “no” by saying “okay” when waiting for an activity. You might draw up a chalk obstacle course, and they have to ask before they start. Or practice accepting “no” before letting them jump into the pool.

There are lots of other ways to practice this. Just think of any activity that you can make your child ask permission, then tell them “no” so they can practice saying “okay.”

Some TIPS for practicing this social skill:

  • Practice when your child is calm/in a good mood. Practice will probably not go well if your child is grumpy or just got in trouble for something.
  • Make sure to praise you child for saying “okay!”
  • Kids LOVE IT when they can turn the tables and tell YOU “no.” Sometimes it’s fun to let them do so, and then you get to model how to stay calm and say “okay.”
  • To further this practice, you can have kiddos practice staying calm by taking a deep breath before saying “okay.” This reinforces the idea of using calming skills to stay calm.
  • Try to make it fun! If your child becomes uncooperative at any point, just end the practice and revisit it later.

Good luck! Let me know in the comments what ways you’ve practiced accepting “no” for an answer with the kiddos you love!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 2 Comments

Hot Chocolate Breathing (A Calming Skill)

Who loves hot chocolate/cocoa? I do! So yummy, especially in the winter after we’ve been building snowmen or shoveling. Most kids I know LOVE hot chocolate, so Hot Chocolate Breathing is such a FUN way to calm down. It’s not uncommon for kids to be resistant to using calming skills when prompted, but when you make them fun, usually kids are more willing.

So what is hot chocolate breathing? It’s pretending to have a mug of hot chocolate in your hands, blowing on it because it’s too hot, then sipping it. It’s a way to get kids to take some deep breathes to calm down.

This is what I would say to engage a child in hot chocolate breathing:

“Put your hands out in front of you like you’re holding a mug, and pretend that mug is full of hot chocolate. Pretend you can see the steam coming off the mug, so you know it must be very, very hot. Let’s blow on it to try to cool it down. Take a big breathe, then slowly blow on your hot chocolate. Not too fast – you don’t want to spill! Okay, good, let’s do it again. Big breath in, then slowly blow out on your hot chocolate. Okay, let’s try a sip… wow! Still too hot! Let’s do two more big breaths to try to cool it down. Okay, let’s try it okay. Mmmmm… this is perfect, and so yummy.”

You can also make it more fun by adding marshmallows… before you take deep breathes, you could say, “I like marshmallows in my hot chocolate. How many marshmallows should we put in today? 12? Sounds good! Let’s pretend our marshmallows are here on the side. Let’s pick them up one at a time and count them until we get to 12.”

Adding the marshmallows can make this calming skill even more effective because you’re combining counting (another great calming skill) with deep breaths.

Some tips for getting kids to learn and use calming skills:

  • Teach calming skills when your kids are calm. It’s not very beneficial to try to teach your child a new calming skill when they’re escalated.
  • It’s usually best to do this WITH your child. Rather than say, “go do your hot chocolate breathing,” say instead, “let’s do your hot chocolate breathing together.” This makes it much more likely that your child will comply with the prompt.
  • Praise your child for using coping skills – both prompted and unprompted! This makes it much more likely that they will continue to use them.

I’m excited to hear how you’ve used this with children, and any modifications you’ve added (like counting marshmallows). Let me know with a comment!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87

Social Skills Series: Taking Turns

Welcome to the first of the social skills in the Social Skills Series (read Social Skills Series: Introduction to learn more about social skills and why I’m writing this series). I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that taking turns may be one of the hardest social skills for kiddos. When they like to do something, it is unbelievable difficult for them to step away and let someone else try it. I mean, honestly, it’s hard for adults too!

I’ve seen so many examples of this as a therapist and a parent. Just this morning my daughter had a play date with a sweet friend and the two of them struggled to take turns with the steering wheel on the play set. Luckily, this did not turn into major conflict for them. But a few months ago my daughter had a playdate with some school friends – there were 4 girls and only 3 balls and it got pretty rough. Yelling and “stealing” balls from someone else… eventually there were tears. Taking turns is hard!

Does your child need a diagnosis and therapy if they struggle to take turns? Absolutely not! Having difficulty with this social skills is totally developmentally appropriate. There’s no need for alarm if your child struggles to take turns while playing with others. But that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t benefit from practice!

So how do you practice taking turns? PLAY! Practice does not have to be a super boring activity. Just play something where you can practice taking turns. Some examples from my own family:

  • Take turns being the preferred doll while playing with the dollhouse. My kiddo’s favorite doll and princess is Cinderella and she always wants to “be” Cinderella. Sometimes I stress the importance of taking turns and she lets me be Cinderella for a few minutes.
  • Take turns while playing a board game. This is so easy – you just play like you normally would, but talk about taking turns and point out that you’re taking turns. So simple.
  • We also take turns playing with the dogs and their toys – we all like to throw the toys for the dogs to fetch, but we can’t all throw it each time. This is a great opportunity to talk about taking turns and to practice.
  • We also take turns while coloring or painting – when we want to use the same color, we have to take turns.

Most of these examples are things that happen in “normal” play. The difference is that we don’t normally talk about taking turns while doing it. Simply by calling attention to the social skill, and praising/encouraging your child for taking turns, it can make a world of difference.

Sometimes I’ll do something a bit different with my daughter by acting as if I refuse to take turns – I’m never mean about it, I may just say something like, “I think I want to take another turn.” Then we talk about how she would feel if I DID skip her turn. This is a great way to help kiddos develop some empathy and to understand what their friends may feel like when they don’t do well with taking turns.

Some tips for practice: Always do this when your child is in a good mood. It doesn’t usually go well if you try to practice when your child is super grumpy or after you just corrected their behavior. Also, make sure to praise and encourage them for the skill they are practicing. For example, say, “you’re doing a great job taking turns” or “isn’t it nice to take turns and play together?”

Besides practice, it is incredibly beneficial to pay attention to your child playing and correct them when they struggle to take turns. You probably can’t catch it every single time, but if you see it, walk over and talk about it! Remind them why taking turns is important and prompt them to try again!

Drop me a comment and let me know what ways you practice taking turns with your kiddos!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.

Posted on by khumbard87 · 11 Comments

Social Skills Series: Introduction

I’m curious as to what comes to mind when someone with a non-clinical background hears the phrase “social skills.” As a therapist with a strong background in behavior modification, I’m familiar with social skills – what they are, why they’re important, how to teach them, how to reinforce them.

So what are social skills? They’re the things (skills) we do to socialize with other people. These skills can be both verbal and non-verbal, and are important for humans to learn in order to be successful building relationships with others. How do we learn social skills? Many times, we learn them through watching others and mimicking their behavior. This is such a great, mostly effort-free way for your kids to learn prosocial skills. But guess what? Kids can also learn inappropriate, negative skills from other kids (and adults!). So it can be helpful for parents to practice these skills with kids – especially those skills that you see your child needs some improvement in.

Some individual social skills include: take turns, respecting boundaries, sharing, asking for help, asking permission, saying “thank you,” saying “sorry,” waiting patiently, following directions, complimenting others, accepting “no” for an answer, resisting peer pressure, greeting others, and saying “no” to others appropriately. This is not an exclusive list by any means. There are many, many more social skills. The blog site And Next Comes L, has a list of 50 social skills, which you can find here on their site.

Why are social skills important? The “big picture” answer is to successfully build relationships with other people. Social skills are how we meet and keep friends. Social skills are how we maintain bonds with family members. Social skills help with interviews, getting jobs, and keeping jobs. Social skills are how we sell items or ideas to other people. Pretty important!

How to teach them? Yes, your children will be exposed to these skills by watching others and may mimic these skills. If you notice your child struggling with a social skills, you can model the skills for them and practice. Then you can reinforce this with praise when you see them do it well (both in practice and outside of it).

What happens if we don’t teach/practice them? We may end up with children who struggle to interact positively with others. As a therapist, I see this in some of my clients. As a parent, I see this in my own kiddo and in other kiddos we interact with. I see my daughter struggle to be a good sport when she loses a game. I see many kids struggle to take turns and wait patiently while playing at playgrounds. I see clients who struggle to show gratitude, which leaves family members feeling resentful. I see clients who have “perfectionist” tendencies struggle to ask for help when they need it.

Now, please hear me out when I say that no child will be “perfect” with social skills. I’m not of the opinion that all parents should be practicing all of these skills with their kids – we have enough to do! There’s no need for alarm if your child is still learning. Maybe they just need a little more time, socializing, and developmental progress to really nail those social skills. But if you see them struggling and it’s affecting their relationships with others, it’s a great idea to practice with them. This series is not to add to the parent load by preaching about ANOTHER thing you must do with your children. This is an informational series for parents who may see their child struggling in an area or two and want to help.

Be on the lookout for posts about individual social skills to be added! I hope to cover each social skill listed in this post. I can’t wait to hear how you’re practicing these skills with your kiddo!

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.