Heard of differential reinforcement? It’s one of those terms from the behavior modification world that sounds pretty intimidating. Which is unfortunate because it is incredibly important in changing children’s behavior.

So what does differential reinforcement mean? It means reinforcing (praising or giving a positive consequence for) the behavior that is OPPOSITE of the behavior you don’t like. It means reinforcing only the behavior that you want to see more of, or increase. Which, in turn, means NOT reinforcing the behavior you do not want to reinforce.

I sometimes use this concept with parents who have strongly determined what behavior they DON’T like, but haven’t mentioned what they would like to see instead. I don’t know that I’ve ever used the word “differential reinforcement” with a child’s parents, but I ask, “what do you want your child to do instead of _____?”

As parents, we are pretty good at picking out behaviors we don’t like. I don’t like when my daughter doesn’t follow directions. I don’t like when she throws her shoes in the middle of the entryway. And I certainly don’t like it when, at bedtime, she sings at the top of her lungs.

Once a parent knows what behavior they do NOT like, it’s possible to give a negative consequence or ignore that behavior to decrease it. But the other half of the equation is to figure out what you want your child to do instead, then reinforce it with praise and/or positive consequences.

Most of the opposite behavior is super easy to determine. The opposite of not following directions? Follow direction the first time asked. What would I like my kiddo to do with her shoes instead of throwing them in the middle of the entryway? Put them in her shoe cubby. The opposite of singing in her bed when it’s time to sleep? Lay quietly.

It’s important to decide what you would like your child to do instead of whatever they are doing that’s bothering you. Then, let your child know what you’d like them to do – kids are not always the brightest, and may not even be able to identify what they *should* be doing instead unless you tell them. After that, start praising and/or rewarding the positive behavior.

This two-fold approach can work pretty quickly – a negative consequence for the negative behavior, and a positive consequence for what you want to see instead. Be consistent with it, and the negative behavior will decrease, while the positive one increases.

What would happen if you use a negative consequence for the negative behavior without reinforcing the alternative/positive behavior? You run the risk that your kiddo may replace one negative behavior with another one. If I tell my daughter to stop throwing her shoes in the middle of the entryway without telling her where I’d like her to put them, she may start throwing them in the middle of the living room instead, or leaving them on the stairs.

In summary, when you, as a caregiver, are seeing a behavior you don’t like, think about what you’d like your kiddo to do instead, and positively reinforce THAT behavior.

Disclaimer: I am a licensed mental health therapist, but I am not your therapist. The information in this article is for general informational purposes only. This article does not create a therapist-client relationship. If you need specific recommendations based on your individual circumstances, please consult with a mental health practitioner near you.