It is incredibly easy to fall into the habit of making excuses for our children’s behavior (and our own)!  My daughter is only 11 months old and I already find myself doing it. I’ve said, “she’s teething, so she’s a little grumpy,” when she’s whiny at the grocery store.  I’ve said, “she didn’t sleep well last night,” when she has a cry-fest in the church nursery.  When we look at the root of it, I think parents make excuses because they don’t want to be judged for having a not-perfect child.  But guess what?  Nobody is perfect, especially children!

I can’t speak from experience, but I would think that this pressure is increased exponentially if you have a child who has a mental health diagnosis (think Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, etc).  These are some of the children who are most likely to “act up,” leaving their parents with ample opportunity to feel judged by others.  So I’m sure it’s easy to throw out “he has Autism” or “she has ADHD” to justify a kiddo’s behavior.  Sometimes, that might be appropriate, so I’m not saying that you shouldn’t ever make excuses for your child.  However, I think it’s a slippery slope and consistently excusing behavior could turn into both parents and their children using a diagnosis as a crutch.

Yes, your child’s diagnosis might (depending on what it is) make it more difficult (and sometimes near impossible) for them to do certain things.  I’m not talking about holding a child with ADHD to the exact same standards as every other child in the classroom.  A child with ADHD will have more difficulty staying focused on a task and controlling impulses.  But that doesn’t mean they can’t meet certain expectations.  When you consistently use their diagnosis as an excuse, a few things can happen over time:

• You might throw all expectations of reasonable behavior out the window and just let your child get away with everything.  This will likely create havoc in your home, the child’s classroom, and possibly your marriage/relationship.  Here’s the thing: I don’t think anyone just wakes up one morning and says to themselves, “I’m just going to have zero expectations and let my child do what they want.”  It happens slowly over time, but (again) it’s a slippery slope when you start excusing behaviors because of a mental health diagnosis.
• Your child might pick up on what you’re doing and start using their diagnosis as an excuse to justify their own behavior.  They may start to think that they can get away with everything because they can blame it on their mental health.

I have a sister with a mental health diagnosis (well, actually, it’s more like 3 or 4 diagnoses) and she uses these diagnoses as a crutch.  It is incredibly frustrating because she uses her mental health as an excuse for many terrible behaviors, like being rude and disrespectful to family members.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that her diagnoses make it more difficult for her to regulate her emotions and more difficult for her to control her impulses, but at this point, it seems as if she has stopped trying and just blames everything on her mental health issues.

I have talked to numerous parents who let their child get away with negative behavior because of a diagnosis they have received.  With my own sister, I’ve seen how difficult it can be to determine where to draw the line… what is she capable of doing and what is she not capable of doing?  Even though it’s hard to know what the limit is, the worst thing would be to just stop trying and use her diagnoses as a crutch.  Sometimes it takes a little bit of trial and error to figure out what the expectations should be.  Sometimes you might need help from an unbiased party (teacher, school psychologist, therapist, pediatrician, etc.) to find out where to draw that line.  Sometimes the process of that trial and error can be incredibly frustrating.  But it’s necessary.  And it’s worth it.