So many times I hear parents talk about giving their kids a “reward,” when really what they’re doing is bribing.  So what’s the difference?  A reward is contingent on a specific behavior having already happened – the behavior happens before they get the reward.  A bribe is given either before the child has a chance to earn it, or is given to stop a behavior (while it’s happening).  To break it down into simpler terms, a reward is given after a child does something good.  A bribe is given before a child does something good, or used in-the-moment to stop them from doing something bad.

Some examples of rewards:

• A child gets all A’s in their school subjects and is rewarded with a pizza party at the end of the school year.
• A child gets to pick a piece of candy in the checkout line at the grocery store because they stayed next to mom and stayed quiet throughout the store.

And some examples of bribes:

• “If I give you a cookie, will you be good at the store?”
• “If you stop screaming right now, I’ll let you pick out a candy bar.”

So what works best for improving behavior?  A bribe rarely works consistently.  In the first example, where the child is given cookie as a bribe for behaving at the store, whether or not the kid behaves doesn’t affect his chance of getting the cookie… because he already got it.  So it’s not likely that he/she will be motivated to behave at the store.

A bribe given to stop in-the-moment bad behavior can sometimes be effective short-term.  Many children will stop what they’re doing if promised a candy bar or some other item.  However, if you think about it, the child is indirectly being rewarded for the bad behavior… that was what prompted the use of the promised item.  Also, some kids (because they’re smart little cookies!) will pick up on this and will then intentionally engage in the negative behavior, so that they will be offered an item to stop.

A reward is your best option, both for short-term and long-term improvements in behavior.  It motivates your child to behave how you want them to because they have to do so before they get a reward.  One of the arguments I hear from parents about using rewards is that they don’t want to have to give their child a reward for something forever.  BUT with use of proper fading (decreasing how often a reward is given), you won’t have to reward them forever.